Where are you going

There have been few times in my life that I had to scream out for Gods help but I can't even begin to count the times I have under my breath. At those times in my life I have also had times of asking "where are you God?" And This breaks my heart to even be writing it. I feel like I disgrace him by evening questioning the HOLY SPIRIT. But what I've learned is sometimes he answers immediately and sometimes it takes time for God to reveal to us where he is in a situation. I have to wonder in some of these times if God is asking me "where are you?" Or better yet "where are you going from here?". At a rather young age of 16 I watched a very dear friend of ours lose her baby boy, I don't mean emotionally I mean I watched as her sweet son went to be with Jesus, I remember holding her older son who was only 18 months himself in the street in front of their house. I still had faith as we watched the helicopter land in their yard. This just wasn't something that happened and I couldn't grasp it. We clung close the following days and even months and even years as I think of that day often. I remember me, my mom and sister who had also been present, just standing and holding each other and crying in the kitchen one night. No matter how much it seemed our hearts would burst at any given time from the pain, we had such a beautiful example to learn from, the mother of this sweet boy. I can't tell you what I have learned from her over the years, as she has become the mother of many, but I can look at her family and I can tell you where God is.... He is in her, in her children and in her husband. He is in her smile and her ability to wake up everyday admit her faults but to except Gods grace and mercy, he is there in her longing to be with him and with her son again. He is there. I don't know why that sweet baby had to leave so soon or why it seems God doesn't immediately hear us when we call, but I know he reveals himself to us and let's us know we aren't alone in our pain and suffering. I recently was in a similar situation, I found myself with all of my might holding my sister up while she labored, our hands laced at some points, I breathed in holding my breath, pushing with her. I remember my brother in laws face as his eyes were filled with tears. This baby needed to come then, I had not quite ever seen a birth like this. I've watched a lot of birth stories as well as been to a few live ones too. It was real and it was scary. When the baby finally came out and rested against my sisters stomach she wasn't breathing, me and my sister starting calling her name, "Ellison!! Ellison!!" "Jesus help us" I could hear my mother in the background crying and begging. I remember thinking to myself such a selfish thought. Why me God? Why would you put me here again? Why do I have to see this again? Then I begin to think maybe my negative thoughts and lack of faith had a role in it? But I immediately snapped out of it and I told him he was all I had, and at the mercy and grace of him she begin to cry and look for her mama. She is beautiful, a miracle, A testimony. God showed up and revealed himself immediately when we called for him. He showed us his mercy and his grace. I know my sister will tell her about her testimony, the struggle she had to come here and that she will move mountains because of it. To God be the glory, for I learned from these situations I am at his mercy, but to him be the glory, sometimes we hurt and struggle and we have to call out to him and when we wonder where he is, he is there, he is inside of us, ( I hope he is, if not you can contact me and I will help you learn how to have him inside of you) my older sister and I talked after the birth and she said what do you think it's like when you're put in a situation like that and you haven't got God to call out to, and I know this much, he fills every void and misunderstanding I have, he is peace  and he overwhelmes me with his grace because I am undeserving, yet he blesses me and makes me rich and whole. I know I haven't question him because he will never leave me or forsake me even in times of tragedy. He takes me to new places everyday and I will not grow comfortable, I need him where I am going and I know he will meet me there.