I'm sorry you aren't here.

Sometimes days past without you crossing my mind, other days you are brought to my attention, but on some days I think of you, and I cry. I cry for my children, I cry for myself, I cry for you but more than anyone I cry for my husband, your son. I never realized marrying him would bring such an emotional battle, not because he's like you or because he walks around moping and blaming you. If anything you give him motivation, to be better, to do good by me and his children. It's an emotional battle because as his wife I am suppose to complete him, make him whole. I am suppose to share in his pain, hurt with when his heart does and rejoice in his happiness. The hurt and pain are very real, very present but Regardless of how much time I spend crying on the floor, going over things in my head over and over again, I can't come up with a solution. Without your effort nothing will change, I've prayed God please change his heart, change ours, God please, yet everything remains the same. I've tried to think maybe we are the only chance of Christ like love you will know, and I'm forced to realize you don't except our love. I wish you knew what it feels like to not be able to kiss away his pain. Do you know what it feels like for a part of a person to be missing and not be able to fill it, but want to with every part of your being? It's hard for me to think you have, and I'd love to be proven wrong, you have no idea how I wish you'd prove me wrong. I've seen my husband kissed the head of our children and know he feels the same love I do for them, I know he has to wonder if you ever felt that same love. One day when we thought something was seriously wrong with one of the boys, he said he drove the whole way to the doctors office to get the report, pleading with God. He said that he hadn't held him enough, to please give him all the time in the world to hold him. Have you ever had that desperation? Every ounce of your being consumed by the love you have for your children? I use to be on your side always encouraging him, hoping you'd be different. I use to think if we could just get your ears or eyes that you'd fall so in love with your grandsons that you'd never walk out of our lives again. I used to be naive always hoping for the best, praying for a change, praying to see the best thing to do, how we could love YOU differently, but we have free will and there is only so much we can do until our hearts are wholly Gods. I try hard to keep my heart soft but it's hard to not be insulted. It's hard to not see what an amazing man I am married to and not be insulted why you wouldn't want to share in his life? Why you don't care to watch him be successful and how he is loved by his bosses and done well at his job? How he is a wonderful husband to me and treats me with love and respect and loves me more and more each day. How he tells me things like "thank you for having my boys" or how on the most simple of days he looks at me and says "today is my favorite day". I am insulted and so deeply hurt that these to sweet babies have no idea who you are. I am sad that you haven't seen you son become a man, become a father. My most favorites role he plays. He loves them so incredible much, I have never had to ask him to make them a priority or to play with them, love them, change them, to bath them or rock them to sleep. His love for them blows me away. So I'm sorry, I am sorry I cry over you, I am sorry that I can't make you care. Most importantly I am sorry you aren't here. I'm sorry you are missing out. I hope one day you really get to know your son, he is quite the guy.