Yet she will be saved

My mom sent this verse and I've been dissecting it since. I spent so much of this week moping and in pity. I wanted to complain about Michael's hours at work and how the longest amount I spent with him was at the ER. I wanted to mope because I felt ashamed everytime I looked at my baby's face and saw the leftovers of his fall. I wanted to fear when I was handed papers and told to watch for further symptoms of a concussion. I wanted to stress when I was told to be careful to absolutely not let him fall again in the coming weeks. When we brought him home I set an alarm for every 45 minutes. Like some kind of punishment for my mama guilt. All night every time that alarmed buzzed I'd check Leon to make sure he was okay and then I'd remind myself how guilty I felt that my baby had gotten hurt. You know because I couldn't just call it an accident and call it a day. I had to analyze  every if why and but. I woke up the next morning praying and God, like he often does hit me like a brick and he mind as well said "shut up already" but not really because he's not that kind of God, but he did say, why are you making this about you?!?.
I've had lots of things to have mama guilt over and I've never had God speak such provision.  I sat there and prayed and the more I did the more I realized I had neglected to give him glory where he deserved, I neglected to thank him for his wisdom and protection. I had sat in my sorrows and in my stress and made it about me and my feelings and what I could have done differently and what I should have done and how I felt as a mother. It was just a minor head injury but it looked awful and made me cringe every time I looked at my baby's  beautiful face but it really could have been so much worse. God deserves the glory, he deserves a heart of thanks for having his hand on Leon and for covering me in grace when I do fail as a mother. I thank him for perceptive and forever giving me Grace even when I am selfish and make things about me and my feelings. This verse talks about  "childbearing" one of the most painful, exhausting and trying things a woman may face. But yet it says they will be save if they continue in faith, love and holiness and self control... Yes it will be hard, yes it will be difficult but we are saved! He is the only thing I have, my faith and my love and all things Holy come from him and only him! He didn't throw me into childbearing and then leave me! He said put your faith in me and you will be saved. It's are harsh concept to grasp and hard to let go but my children aren't about me and my feelings, though loving them is the best feeling I could ever have.  I can't control every aspect of their life and protect them always but He can and all I have to do is say here God these children are yours, they belong to you, guide them and hold them and protect them because I can't do it without you. I am so thankful that God loves my children even more than I do even though it so hard to fathom. I am so thankful  that he has given me my place in their life as their mother but I hope I am always reminded it's not about raising them for my glory but raising them for His glory!

Christmas: A fourth and a second

Christmas: A fourth and a second.
A fourth and a second sounds so crazy to me, I don't know what age I'll stop writing to them or if I ever will. One day I hope they look back at all the things I've written them , the notebooks beside my bed or the ones in drawers and see what my heart felt exactly at the moment. Part of my way of loving them is through words. So tonight I will write them their FOURTH and SECOND Christmas letter.

WB and LH,
This year has been fun, the magic of Christmas is beaming through you both. We got out and did lots of festivities this year and it really helped make it a fun month leading up to the day of Christmas. Wb you are old enough to understand what Christmas is truly about and I can't wait to see you grow in learn your relationship with Jesus and one day soon you will be able to teach Leon the true reason too. Christmas always brings so much reflection for me, the year coming to an end and a new one just waiting for memories to be made. It's so bittersweet having the two of you to grow with, to learn with and to love. Everyday you both remind me that there is grace to be given, patience to be built, and love is relentless.
This year was so different from last year. Me and daddy pulled out pictures to remanence and it made us giggle at how we pulled Christmas together last year, but I thought about how you told us thank you after every gift you opened. Last year we found ourselves relying on God in one way and though in a different way this year God is still asking us to be faithful to him, to bring our worries to him and to cast our anxieties on him.  I wish I could tell you that life wouldn't have worry or sorrows.  Something I can tell you is that God is sovereign, he is gracious and he is faithful when you are faithful to him. This year daddy had to work nights on Christmas Day but neither of you would have ever  known, he came in and opened presents with us and spent the whole day with you until you all napped before he left for work again. Your Gigi and uncle Justin stayed Christmas Eve night with us.  Uncle Justin read the night before Christmas and the Christmas story before you snuggled in bed watching the Grinch. Wb you can tell the whole story about the grinch how his heart grew. Oh it's  the sweetest to listen to you comprehend the stories and life that surround you. Christmas morning you pretended to "read" your name tags and one of them read "dear William Braylon you are a very good boy, and mama and daddy love you very much". Oh you have no idea sweet boy, we love you and Leon so so much. We went to gammas after we finished the gifts at our house, with Gigi in tow. I think about the dynamics of our families sometimes and how you have no concept of the Croom's or Callahan's, you you both just have "family", you may see any of your "family" at the Croom's or at the Callahan's at any given time. Sometimes this intertwined family consumes me with gratitude that I wish I could share with the whole world! You are both so so loved and in return you both love so so deep.
Me and daddy are so blessed God decided to trust us to be your parents, to have these moments, to learn with you and grow.
I am hopeful this year will slow down to give me a second to treasure your sweet hugs and kisses. I am hopeful this year will slow down to watch candles be blown out and lots of first'. I am hopeful this year will slow down for red noses on cold days at the park. I am hopeful time will slow down for toes in the sand and jumping over waves.
I am hopeful time will slow down for hearing what you learned in Sunday school, and making new friends. I am hopeful time will slow down just so I can hold you both tight and love you more this year than I ever have before, I know next Christmas is only a hop, jump and skip away but I am oh so happy I get to hold you on this quick trip called life,

With ALL of my love,
Mama.

Leon Harrison, I thought often over the past year about writing your letter on your first birthday. I will write to you, just like I had done for your brother. When you would rub your eyes with both hands in your car seat and fight your sleep until we arrived home. When you would sing to keep yourself awake because you loved being at home to sleep. I took note, I took note of how cute you looked (even though you were miserably sleepy) I sometimes starred at you to much in the mirror than I should have. I took note of how you sit in the bath tub like a sumo wrestler, your chubby little belly resting on your knees. The times we danced in the kitchen and you giggled and sang with me, I stamped it on my heart and sealed it there to keep. The first time you crawled, or I found your first teeth or the first time you pulled up, Happiness consumed me. Leon, I knew you were a promise God would fulfill, we named you long before you were in my tummy and called you that like we knew you were coming. Leon means lion, and Leon spelled backwards is Noel which means shout of joy. Your name sweet sweet boy is so fitting, it makes perfect sense that God put you in my heart before he ever put you in my belly. One of your favorite things to do is roar, when you do I always say in my head "hear me roar". I know you are a leader, you are fierce and strong and you will speak and mountains will move. I felt it in my spirit when the nurse said its a boy. "Shout of joy" that second part of your name can't be forgotten because you are as joyful as you are fierce. Your sweet little smile captivates hearts and flirts with souls. I haven't ever told very many people of the strong feelings I had the week I found out you were in fact Leon, I cried and cried, maybe because I had dreamed of you, maybe because I had named you, maybe because you were the brother God had picked out for WB or the son he had picked out for me and your dad. I cried and was overwhelmed at the feeling of calling I felt on your little life. I don't know if you're my little preacher man or if you will feed the children of Africa, all I know is God put it on my heart and I pray for it to come to light, and I can't wait to watch you grow and watch that calling unfold. For now your my sweet baby boy who absolutely adores me, I've never felt so strongly that I was enough, but sometimes you fall back asleep mid air after I pick you just cause you simply wanted me to hold you. You don't need much from me, but yet you convince me to give you my everything. You have been such a joy, to me, your daddy and to your brother. You love to play with toys, to dance, to take baths and to feed yourself. I love you and am so excited to watch you grow and for the relationship you have with your big brother to mature. I hope that one day you and your brother look back at the years I was able to spend at home with you and that good memories flood your minds. I hope that the good always out weighs the bad and that I am a mother you are proud to have. Thank you so much for being my sweet baby boy, I am so so thankful for you Leon and am so happy that God knew you were exactly what our family and the world needed. I know God placed you in my heart for a reason but more importantly I know he placed you on this earth for great things! I love you sweet little blonde hair and those sweet sweet eyes! Happy 1st Birthday baby boy! Love, mama

Undocumented pancakes.

I've read before that the happiness and peace a child feels in their first two years of life is what goes with them for the rest of their life. That's a lot of pressure right? As if some days I don't already feel like I'm drowning in milk and applesauce you have to tell me that the rest of my child's life is riding on how well I handle it? Leon isn't the greatest sleeper, God love him, he is the cutest, sweetest and most tender child, but sleep is just not for him. I often feel ill and tired and my patience seems thin because of my lack of sleep. I hate it. Really I do, I hate the feeling of getting through the motions and hoping for bedtime to come. Everyone needs me, the house needs me, I need me. A lot rides on mamas, we are a special breed. Sometimes I lay my head down and literally think did I brush my teeth or was that last night? I know, I know you say, but you only have two, but really sleep is a beautiful thing. I should just be one of those tough mamas and put him in his crib to fend for himself... He's 7 months that's old enough right? Yeah right... We literally have conversations like this in our house, Michael: I think he doesn't sleep good because you don't snuggle with him. So we are kinda completely opposite of cry it out, we snuggle it out. so where was I going with this blog, oh yeah to the fact that since having Leon, my big baby became a big boy. I didn't notice it when we brought Leon home, or when we potty trained him, I didn't decide he was a big boy when he started walking in Sunday school and telling me "see you later". I first noticed one night when Michael had taken Leon for a nap and me and Braylon were going to make breakfast for dinner. I told him we were going to make pancakes, something we have done plenty of times, I usually get the ingredients out and then just let him stir, but that night he got them out himself. Butter, milk, flour, sugar, eggs and then he pointed to my baking cabinet and requested the baking soda and salt. I think he probably could had handled it without my supervision. That's what hit me, the reality that he use to watch me do and now I watched him do. That night me and him laughed and cooked for several hours, while daddy and Leon napped. I didn't know where my phone was, it was completely undocumented. Just me and him and silly conversations. "Pancakes are good mama, I'm going to make daddy a giant pancake" "daddy will love his giant pancake" sometimes the accessibility of our phones make it hard to put them away. I wish I would have used my phone to record him that night, his sweet generous heart. I wish I could have put it on a cd and in a envelope and kept in our safe. So I could go back and recall that sweet little boy who will one day grow up and have no interest in knowing where I keep my baking soda. These intimate times, without our phones or the world outside, those are the times that we see the peace and happiness we have instilled in our children. These are the times that I can tell how generous of a heart Braylon has, and how happy it made him to be serving someone else. (Making pancakes for his daddy) it's these times that make me realize that he doesn't see the pain or struggle or even realize I'm crying over the gallon of organic milk that just split. He knows he is loved, he knows that he is one of a kind. I know he learns so much from me. I use to be sad by the fact he was growing older, but now I embrace it, I have babied and nurtured every part of his Little soul, even on the days I didn't have anything left,at all, it was because I had given him my all, every little piece I had to give. I have laid awake, more tired than imaginable only to kiss his sleeping brow to tell him sorry for crying over milk. I know that there is so much more for him to learn from me, but he is teaching me so much more than I could ever learn him. He tells me things like "I'm so proud of you" and "you're so smart". He doesn't tell me things like "why'd you spread applesauce all over the couch" or "lay down and go to sleep". Kids somehow get the important stuff and they forgive the other. Thank you Jesus, the peace and happiness you give my children. Thank you Jesus the patience you give this mamas heart. I don't ever wish a day away, I have cherished ever passing day whether it's spilling milk or making pancakes, I will continue to love my growing boys and hope that they never stop seeing the good in me and forgiving the bad.

I'm sorry you aren't here.

Sometimes days past without you crossing my mind, other days you are brought to my attention, but on some days I think of you, and I cry. I cry for my children, I cry for myself, I cry for you but more than anyone I cry for my husband, your son. I never realized marrying him would bring such an emotional battle, not because he's like you or because he walks around moping and blaming you. If anything you give him motivation, to be better, to do good by me and his children. It's an emotional battle because as his wife I am suppose to complete him, make him whole. I am suppose to share in his pain, hurt with when his heart does and rejoice in his happiness. The hurt and pain are very real, very present but Regardless of how much time I spend crying on the floor, going over things in my head over and over again, I can't come up with a solution. Without your effort nothing will change, I've prayed God please change his heart, change ours, God please, yet everything remains the same. I've tried to think maybe we are the only chance of Christ like love you will know, and I'm forced to realize you don't except our love. I wish you knew what it feels like to not be able to kiss away his pain. Do you know what it feels like for a part of a person to be missing and not be able to fill it, but want to with every part of your being? It's hard for me to think you have, and I'd love to be proven wrong, you have no idea how I wish you'd prove me wrong. I've seen my husband kissed the head of our children and know he feels the same love I do for them, I know he has to wonder if you ever felt that same love. One day when we thought something was seriously wrong with one of the boys, he said he drove the whole way to the doctors office to get the report, pleading with God. He said that he hadn't held him enough, to please give him all the time in the world to hold him. Have you ever had that desperation? Every ounce of your being consumed by the love you have for your children? I use to be on your side always encouraging him, hoping you'd be different. I use to think if we could just get your ears or eyes that you'd fall so in love with your grandsons that you'd never walk out of our lives again. I used to be naive always hoping for the best, praying for a change, praying to see the best thing to do, how we could love YOU differently, but we have free will and there is only so much we can do until our hearts are wholly Gods. I try hard to keep my heart soft but it's hard to not be insulted. It's hard to not see what an amazing man I am married to and not be insulted why you wouldn't want to share in his life? Why you don't care to watch him be successful and how he is loved by his bosses and done well at his job? How he is a wonderful husband to me and treats me with love and respect and loves me more and more each day. How he tells me things like "thank you for having my boys" or how on the most simple of days he looks at me and says "today is my favorite day". I am insulted and so deeply hurt that these to sweet babies have no idea who you are. I am sad that you haven't seen you son become a man, become a father. My most favorites role he plays. He loves them so incredible much, I have never had to ask him to make them a priority or to play with them, love them, change them, to bath them or rock them to sleep. His love for them blows me away. So I'm sorry, I am sorry I cry over you, I am sorry that I can't make you care. Most importantly I am sorry you aren't here. I'm sorry you are missing out. I hope one day you really get to know your son, he is quite the guy. 

Christmas with two; A first and a third.

It seems every year sneaks up on me. Takes my breath away for a moment realizing another year has passed. I want to bottle up the sounds, the smells, kisses and hugs. I wanna remember the words they use and the smiles they give.  Time seems to go so fast and little boys grow to quick. I went back to read about WB first Christmas, the little details sparked specific memories. I am thankful for writing the descriptions that carry memories. I am thankful to have Christmas memoirs, sweet words to relive past times with you my sweet boys. This Christmas Eve, I was talking with your Aunt Gaylen when I realized I couldn't remember what you first called a drink when you started talking... I told her I didn't write it down because I was sure I'd never forget, but I did and it will drive me crazy until I remember. I think back to last year and how tiny You must have been in my stomach LH, I didn't know the joy you would bring this year, sweet little one. I can't believe last Christmas I was just learning about you in my tummy and this year I am holding you on my lap. You have to be one of the happiest baby's I've ever met. Your daddy and I always talk about the  amount of smiles you give within one single day. You're so tender and sweet sometimes you have a look of question, looking for approval of sharing a smile. You're so sensitive, if you hear anyone being loud for what ever reason you always assume they must be yelling at you, I always reassure you and you trust me and smile to show me so. WB you have somehow grown into a little boy between last Christmas and this one. It's hard to imagine the baby boy who  could hardly talk last year is now constantly asking questions and exploring the world around him. This year was a very special year it was the first Christmas daddy got to be off from work and spend the entire day with us! We woke up bright and early and best I could beg you WB, I did. I finally convinced your sleepy head to come for your presents.  We kept things simple this year and you would have never known any different,you had a Thomas the train,  some dinosaurs and a Jake, what more could you want or need! If I could only have one memory from today it would be you saying " tank you mama" every time I handed you a gift. You were never prompted to do so, your heart is so genuine it makes me proud. Sometimes when daddy arrives home from work you announce "mama clean the whole house daddy" he will tell me thank you and you always follow his lead. I know we are raising you to be appreciative and I can't quite tell you where this will take you in life but just know son, it will take you somewhere good. I was thankful for a little sweetness to make up for the total fail of trying to get a picture of you and your brother in Christmas pajamas together. LH you were so sweet the whole time we open gifts, you enjoyed sucking on the mesh bag of a bath toy you got. Your big brother enjoyed opening gifts for you and then adding " this Lelon toy, I play with it too mama"  we finished the presents at our house and went to Gamma and Da's, all of your Aunts, Uncles and cousins were there. WB you always bust through the door saying "where my friends at" referring to your cousins. We opened presents,  Aunt Susa gave you a Mickey Mouse train WB, for you and L to always remember your trip to Disney World for Christmas from Gamma and Da. You ran and wrapped your arms around her and said "tank you susa" me and her couldn't help but get a little choked up. I know she loves her nieces and nephews more than anything and she buys you special things because she wants you to appreciate the joy in life, and when you do I know she wants to appreciate life just like your mama wants for you. We stacked you all up on the couch to take a picture with gamma and da, we all acted crazy in attempt to get you to look. I love to see all the first cousins together with your gamma and da, a love that makes all things good.We ate breakfast and did our stockings and then we headed to GiGi's and Pawpaws house. You both were asleep when we got there so I laid you, WB in Gigi's bed, when you woke up we opened presents, and let me just say Gigi wants you to both to be rotten! She enjoys doing Christmas for you so much and you're both loved by her so much. You both are loved so much by everyone and the joy I see everyday in you makes me a happy mama! I laid back down with you both, I was rocking LH and just trying to take a mental picture of his sweet little 4 month old self, I remember praying as I kissed his soft head, Jesus please help me remember his sweet smell and how soft his skin is, the innocent smell of his baby breath, please Jesus let me hold on to this forever. I know to quickly he will be running around with you WB. I wish there was a way to store of part of every day and never forget the little things. I wish you could know how many nights Id wished I could have had a day back, not because I wanted to do it over but because I wanted to do it exactly the same. I love you both and the joy you bring to my heart. I laid in the bed with you both. I checked our backing account and stared at $200 dollars someone had given us and I wept the most humbling cry I have to date. Last year was different daddy had a different Job we knew a different life but now all we know is Jesus provides everything in everyday in his perfect way. Christmas was hard.. We wanted so badly to provide you both with a big Christmas because that's what you deserved but listen to me sweet sons, I know you won't realize at such a young  age but what I can offer you this Christmas is so much more than a toy you will forget about in a few months. It is humbling yourself in front of God and saying I don't see a way and him making a way, it's about you saying I need you Jesus and him saying I'm right here and in not going to leave you. Me and your daddy have prayed a lot over the decisions we have made in the last years and we know they effect you, but we want you to know that everything we do we seek God first and always know he will keep you in mind. I hope my sweet littles that your Christmas was wonderful filled with joy and love. I know this Christmas meant a little bit more to me than past years. I am so blessed to have you both I am so blessed to serve a God that provides every need I give to him. I pray that between now and next Christmas I continue to lean on God and I hope you both grow up and learn to do the same, but tonight I will pray over you both and kiss your sweet soft heads and take in the smell of your hair and ask God please please let me hold on to this memory forever. 

Pitter Patter and Goodbyes

Please don't cry for me, for where sweet saints go is where I'll soon be. 

Please don't cry for me because soon my pain will be gone,  I'll be at rest, soon I'll finally be home. Please don't cry for me, be blessed by the life I led, be blessed by the future ahead. 

Please don't cry for me, but remember this day, this day I had with you. 

 Little feet thump thump, thump on the wooden floors. The bittersweet sound of children in the room of soul soon to leave. 

They said he hadn't opened his eyes most of the day but he was wide eyed once he heard the children. We held his hand as Aunt micki rubbed his head, tears filled the room on and off. She leaned over and ask if he was tired of her asking him if he knew who she was... But his pretty blue eyes says it all, he doesn't have the names or even the strength to say the words, but there's a familiar look in his eyes. His eyes tell us that he knows our faces and knows we are there because we love him. 

The grunts of a newborn makes it obvious there's a new soul in a room. Babies bring such a peace with them, they bring future with them. It's a good feeling seeing generations meet. Braylon told him about walking out to see his animals, probably for the last time. We talked about his rooster named Houston, he started to make sounds and move his lips like he was trying to talk, we never made sense of it but we all shouted and cried. It  reminded me of the excitement you feel when a baby first makes noises and says words, though their journey is just beginning, old and new souls share some of the same tender moments of similarities. These are his last words and noises and so appropriately are over animals. I wish my boys had met him sooner, all three of them, they all admire him. The goats, the tractors,land and hard work. Michael always returns home from Uncle Ed's saying he wants to be like him when he "grows up". Our little red brick house on less than an acre is far from Uncle Ed's kind of living. When you come into people's lives at certain points in their lives, you don't see their struggle that got them there, you just find a kindred spirit in them and feel like you know what got them there. Michael recognizes the hard work Uncle Ed put in, even into his 80's he's one of the hardest working man we know. These things probably makes it the hardest seeing his stern, and smart Aleck self, being helpless and vulnerable. It's just sad and it hurts your heart to see, no matter the age. I remember when we went to tell grandma Croom goodbye, it was so peaceful, she knew us and told us she loved us, but when disease takes your mind, your goodbye can feel a little cheated. His words were loss, but he insisted on holding any hand that found his. This post doesn't make very much sense but neither does cancer, or saying goodbyes or why we have to see the suffering of our family.  We have to take peace with it and hold their hand a little longer when they squeeze it.