Undocumented pancakes.

I've read before that the happiness and peace a child feels in their first two years of life is what goes with them for the rest of their life. That's a lot of pressure right? As if some days I don't already feel like I'm drowning in milk and applesauce you have to tell me that the rest of my child's life is riding on how well I handle it? Leon isn't the greatest sleeper, God love him, he is the cutest, sweetest and most tender child, but sleep is just not for him. I often feel ill and tired and my patience seems thin because of my lack of sleep. I hate it. Really I do, I hate the feeling of getting through the motions and hoping for bedtime to come. Everyone needs me, the house needs me, I need me. A lot rides on mamas, we are a special breed. Sometimes I lay my head down and literally think did I brush my teeth or was that last night? I know, I know you say, but you only have two, but really sleep is a beautiful thing. I should just be one of those tough mamas and put him in his crib to fend for himself... He's 7 months that's old enough right? Yeah right... We literally have conversations like this in our house, Michael: I think he doesn't sleep good because you don't snuggle with him. So we are kinda completely opposite of cry it out, we snuggle it out. so where was I going with this blog, oh yeah to the fact that since having Leon, my big baby became a big boy. I didn't notice it when we brought Leon home, or when we potty trained him, I didn't decide he was a big boy when he started walking in Sunday school and telling me "see you later". I first noticed one night when Michael had taken Leon for a nap and me and Braylon were going to make breakfast for dinner. I told him we were going to make pancakes, something we have done plenty of times, I usually get the ingredients out and then just let him stir, but that night he got them out himself. Butter, milk, flour, sugar, eggs and then he pointed to my baking cabinet and requested the baking soda and salt. I think he probably could had handled it without my supervision. That's what hit me, the reality that he use to watch me do and now I watched him do. That night me and him laughed and cooked for several hours, while daddy and Leon napped. I didn't know where my phone was, it was completely undocumented. Just me and him and silly conversations. "Pancakes are good mama, I'm going to make daddy a giant pancake" "daddy will love his giant pancake" sometimes the accessibility of our phones make it hard to put them away. I wish I would have used my phone to record him that night, his sweet generous heart. I wish I could have put it on a cd and in a envelope and kept in our safe. So I could go back and recall that sweet little boy who will one day grow up and have no interest in knowing where I keep my baking soda. These intimate times, without our phones or the world outside, those are the times that we see the peace and happiness we have instilled in our children. These are the times that I can tell how generous of a heart Braylon has, and how happy it made him to be serving someone else. (Making pancakes for his daddy) it's these times that make me realize that he doesn't see the pain or struggle or even realize I'm crying over the gallon of organic milk that just split. He knows he is loved, he knows that he is one of a kind. I know he learns so much from me. I use to be sad by the fact he was growing older, but now I embrace it, I have babied and nurtured every part of his Little soul, even on the days I didn't have anything left,at all, it was because I had given him my all, every little piece I had to give. I have laid awake, more tired than imaginable only to kiss his sleeping brow to tell him sorry for crying over milk. I know that there is so much more for him to learn from me, but he is teaching me so much more than I could ever learn him. He tells me things like "I'm so proud of you" and "you're so smart". He doesn't tell me things like "why'd you spread applesauce all over the couch" or "lay down and go to sleep". Kids somehow get the important stuff and they forgive the other. Thank you Jesus, the peace and happiness you give my children. Thank you Jesus the patience you give this mamas heart. I don't ever wish a day away, I have cherished ever passing day whether it's spilling milk or making pancakes, I will continue to love my growing boys and hope that they never stop seeing the good in me and forgiving the bad.