My mom sent this verse and I've been dissecting it since. I spent so much of this week moping and in pity. I wanted to complain about Michael's hours at work and how the longest amount I spent with him was at the ER. I wanted to mope because I felt ashamed everytime I looked at my baby's face and saw the leftovers of his fall. I wanted to fear when I was handed papers and told to watch for further symptoms of a concussion. I wanted to stress when I was told to be careful to absolutely not let him fall again in the coming weeks. When we brought him home I set an alarm for every 45 minutes. Like some kind of punishment for my mama guilt. All night every time that alarmed buzzed I'd check Leon to make sure he was okay and then I'd remind myself how guilty I felt that my baby had gotten hurt. You know because I couldn't just call it an accident and call it a day. I had to analyze every if why and but. I woke up the next morning praying and God, like he often does hit me like a brick and he mind as well said "shut up already" but not really because he's not that kind of God, but he did say, why are you making this about you?!?.
I've had lots of things to have mama guilt over and I've never had God speak such provision. I sat there and prayed and the more I did the more I realized I had neglected to give him glory where he deserved, I neglected to thank him for his wisdom and protection. I had sat in my sorrows and in my stress and made it about me and my feelings and what I could have done differently and what I should have done and how I felt as a mother. It was just a minor head injury but it looked awful and made me cringe every time I looked at my baby's beautiful face but it really could have been so much worse. God deserves the glory, he deserves a heart of thanks for having his hand on Leon and for covering me in grace when I do fail as a mother. I thank him for perceptive and forever giving me Grace even when I am selfish and make things about me and my feelings. This verse talks about "childbearing" one of the most painful, exhausting and trying things a woman may face. But yet it says they will be save if they continue in faith, love and holiness and self control... Yes it will be hard, yes it will be difficult but we are saved! He is the only thing I have, my faith and my love and all things Holy come from him and only him! He didn't throw me into childbearing and then leave me! He said put your faith in me and you will be saved. It's are harsh concept to grasp and hard to let go but my children aren't about me and my feelings, though loving them is the best feeling I could ever have. I can't control every aspect of their life and protect them always but He can and all I have to do is say here God these children are yours, they belong to you, guide them and hold them and protect them because I can't do it without you. I am so thankful that God loves my children even more than I do even though it so hard to fathom. I am so thankful that he has given me my place in their life as their mother but I hope I am always reminded it's not about raising them for my glory but raising them for His glory!
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