Give Me Grace

I didn't talk to my father today. It's the start of tax season and between now and April 15th we sometimes have to make visits to the office for a little time with him.  He facetimed WB yesterday and I spoke with him Sunday for a brief moment when he told me to make sure he got to see his boy while he was busy doing taxes. Being a mother has taught me something in each aspect of my life. It changed how I look at every relationship in my life, but the one that blows my mind the most is the child/parent relationship. Diving into Motherhood, to me was much more spiritual than I would have ever believed. God gives you this baby and you all of sudden realize that He's the only one that is going to get you through it. I remember with WB a second didn't go by during my pregnancy that I wasn't completely consumed by the thought of him. I prayed over him all day and would call out his organs from the top of his head to the sole of his feet. I prayed that God would give him health, happiness and prosperity. I spoke life over him over and over and over again. Then he was born and as he grew and the days got longer and busier, my head would sometimes hit the pillow without a prayer. This poor second baby, though the conception was very much prayed for, the morning sickness hit and the exhaustion and the having a 21 month old who's world consist of jumping and playing and running and laughing, well regretfully sometimes I forget to throw those prayers in the day, and other times they consist of thank you Jesus for this Child, I pray you knit him perfectly in my womb. Short and sweet. But back to my father, there are times that I really feed our relationship with conversation and time, and there are days that I am busy being a mother and a wife and he knows that and doesn't love me any less... This is something that God has opened my heart up to as a mother. There are times that I really feed my relationship with God, Thank him and love him and praise him. There are times I tell him I can't do this life without him, that I can't catch WB every time he decides to dive off the couch, that I need him to catch him and protect him. There are times that I speak life over my family and begged God to use us in better ways, but there are also times that I am worn down and tired and that as soon as I lay down I go to sleep. I have so valuably learned that God gives me Grace!! My Heavenly Father loves me in a lot of the same ways my earthly father loves me. I know if I forget to call my dad for one day or even two he will love me the same... He would be here If I needed him, he would do whatever in his might to protect, comfort, love and defend me, all I would have to do is ask. My Heavenly Father is the same, the Bible says that God will never forsake you. Here is the proof.... Deuteronomy 31:7 " Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" 

That doesn't say if you don't say your bedtime prayers, it doesn't say if you don't specifically ask, it says YOUR God will NEVER leave nor forsake you. And I'm telling you I've learned this and  I know God gives us grace.  Ephesians 4:7 " But to each one of us, Grace has been given as Christ apportioned it"

The meaning of grace is "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings." Now don't get me wrong, time with your father is important if you don't invest time, communication or effort then eventually the relationship would trickle out and you would be left with an awkward non rewarding relationship, the same goes for our Heavenly Father it is sooo important to set time aside time for the Man who has given us so much, who really has given us EVERYTHING, it is important to thank him, praise him and grow in him, but my point is that Because of the times I do set aside for him I am confident when I say God knows my heart, he hears my heart even when it's not crying out. He knows I need him to protect my babies, he knows that I praise him for all of my blessings, he knows that I love him more than anything in this world that without him I have nothing. I know that he gives me grace on the nights that I am a tired mama and he knows I love him and I know He loves me. Thank you God for your grace. 

Ps, God is by the way perfectly knitting this baby in my womb:) 

Your second Christmas

I can't believe another year has come and gone. I can't believe we are already celebrating your second Christmas and soon your second Birthday. Today was filled with wonder and love like any day is filled with when it's spent with you. It's your second Christmas, and also the second year in a roll that your hard working daddy has had to work. To be honest it makes my day seem unorganized, incomplete and like something is missing, even though I am so blessed to spend it with you, it will never be complete without daddy there and I know you to would have enjoyed him there today. We started the celebration last night on Christmas Eve, Gigi, pawpaw, Uncle Justin and Peyton came over when daddy got off. We arte roast and then the fun began after we put you in your adorable button down pajamas, (man you were cute) and put the cookies in the oven for Santa, we opened gifts from Gigi and Uncle Justin. Uncle Justin got you a tonka dump truck  a (dumf tru, in your words) it was your favorite until you opened your tools and work bench and then you hammered away and gabbed away about all the work you were having to do!! That was your favorite until you opened your pots and pans from mama and daddy and then you hmm and yummed over some delish food that you made. I pretty much think you are the sweetest and cutest little boy that I have ever laid eyes on and of course you play pretend cuter than any other child born before you. After Gigi and them left, Daddy read me and you the night before Christmas and the Bible Christmas story. We said our goodnights and went to settle down, daddy went to sleep and I was up with you, you would flip to your belly and back to lay on your back and then back to your belly. I sat there thinking about Mary, how it must have felt to be the mother of Jesus, the love she must have felt for him, how she probably laid him on her chest after delivery and touched his fingers and his toes. That she was his mother, and loved him so. I think about God and how he sent his only son, and I know he loved him in the only way I can imagine and that's how I love my son and he sent him to die for me? Let me tell you my sweet child this is a thought that puts me in awe and in tears because I know how much I love you and how my heart would ache if I ever had to send you away for any reason, but God loved us so much that he sent us Jesus, his only son, and Jesus loved us so much that he died so that me and you and anyone who asks for forgiveness to have eternal life. The plan and purpose in the story is beautiful it was Gods will and we get to be part of it and celebrate it and I hope you always know that this is truly what we celebrate. While I was still trying to get you to settle down and go to sleep I felt pressure to get back up so Santa could delivery his presents but I immediately felt guilty, I thought of how in the next few years you would get older and more excited with each year and harder to settle down on Christmas Eve, I thought about the wonder of a little boy the roars and jumps , the climbing and the throwing balls. You're my little boy, and you're a lot of boy in that little body but let me promise you I wouldn't trade you for the world. I love the verse that says. 

 (as it is written in the Law of the Lord,       "Every firstborn male is to be      consecrated to the Lord"),

 Luke 2:23 

I am blessed and priledged for my firstborn to be a son. That is you and you are special and an honor to our family! When we woke up today daddy had to go to work, and you played with your Santa presents for a little bit, I was sick, but every time I was able to leave the bathroom from throwing up I would catch a glimpse of you playing with your train, and I'm telling you the joy you have in the ordinary things makes life for me extraordinary.  I finally started to feel better and we went to Gamma and Da's to open presents with your cousins and you had a wonderful time playing with them. We had breakfast and Uncle Stephen lead us in Communion, this was a first for us and something Aunt Aryn asked that we do, Christmas was a perfect day to remember the body and blood that Jesus shed for us. We spent the rest of the day playing and you looking for the next persons hand you could grab and convince to take you outside. We went to Gigi's later in the day to get our stockings and she gave your mama a very sweet gift. I am very blessed to have her and so are you, as you are everyone in our families. Your Gigi, Gamma and Da invest so much into you and the love they give you is irreplaceable. When we finally got home from our long day, we hit the baseball on your new tee with daddy and made beautiful "art" on your  Easel. We finally settled down which was much easier tonight after such a long day. I just have one last thing to tell you, Merry Christmas sweet boy, me and your daddy love you so very much, it is hard to explain the wonder, joy and love you bring to our family. I am excited for the next year and how we will grow as a family and all of the wonderful things we will be blessed to celebrate.  

Someone else's best friend.

Someone's post caught my attention the other day, they were a second time mom whom was announcing they were having a girl "a best friend for life" and I thought to myself wait your boy can't be your best friend!?! I realized something harsh and vital to my motherhood. My little sister always kids that me and WB are BFFs, because of our bond, I mean really, we have lunch together, like everyday, we watch movies together, play together and occasionally take selfies. This is the true definition of best friends forever, but the truth is my best friend was filled many years ago, over a decade ago to be exact. My best friend is his father, the man who made me a mother, the man that will be with me before, during and after children, support me and love me through motherhood. The man that will one day snuggle up with me in our empty nest. So I will keep him as my best friend because though the future can make my heart feel like it's ripping in half I know that I am a mother of a boy. The reality is that I am raising someone else's best friend. I am responsible for the kind of best friend he will one day be, the relationship I have with his father will be reflected by him and the relationship he has with me will be reflected to his wife. My mom has told me on numerous times how important it is to marry a man that loves his mother unconditionally, and I know without a doubt I married a man that yearns to do better for his mother, who has cried at the thought of all his mother sacrificed for him. I know that same love he has for her, he also has for me, and because his mom was loyal to him he is loyal to me. I know that raising my son to have this same love for me it will one day be reflected in his relationship with his best friend, his bride. Though she will be the ruler of his heart I will have to step down and accept that I raised him to love, support and cherish his bride, that I put in all the hours and work and that I will have to give him over to another woman, but I will have to know that she is not just a woman but instead his best friend, the woman that I prayed for, for years and years, a woman that God set aside for him. One day I will be walked down the aisle by one of his college buddies, probably not even noticed, then I will dance to a song that he probably didn't even pick out but instead his beautiful bride, and as harsh as it seems I will have to realize that just like me and Michael have built us a life, I will enjoy watching him do the same with his best friend, but I hope she realizes and understands that I once snuggled him for hours a day, cried when he fell or when he was sad and I couldn't fix it, that I wiped his butt and taught him to use the potty, and that I love him unconditionally. I hope she realizes that even though he has a best friend that isn't me, that it won't mean I won't have times of feeling envious or less than, that it won't be easy for me even though I'm sure I will love them both more than I can imagine, especially one day when they give me grandchildren.  I hope I am treated with respect for what I am in his life, because being his mother will never be taken from me and I will much rather be that than be best friends. Most importantly I hope that she will one day understand what it feels like to raise someone else's best friend and she will cut me some slack.  

To my mother in law, I hope you know how much I appreciate you raising my best friend. I love you for it, you have taught me so much! 

Oh Mama

A few weeks ago my mom and I were able to be present for my sister's labor and the birth of my first niece. During her labor my mom and I had stepped out when my mom said something along the lines of "birth is so neat, it changes how you look at everything, but especially your mama" I had never given much thought to it but it made me think back on my own birth as I emerged into motherhood, at the time I really went back and forth on who I wanted present, I felt torn between wanting intimacy of only me and Michael as we became a family, but my heart knew it wanted my mama there, my heart also couldn't steal the opportunity from Michael's mother as she would get to be apart of her first grandchild's birth. I knew in my heart that I was her opportunity, my mother had daughter galore for birthing experiences but I knew that my mother in law Heather had two sons, so right then I was the only one who could give her that gift. So I did, I shared the experience with probably two of the most vital and important mothers in my life. The two mothers that 20 and some years ago made this possible. So there I was in labor and what did I say atleast a thousand times! "Oooooh mama" I felt such a connection to her, I felt such a connection to what she had told me it would be like and I dreamed of that moment that I would meet my baby, she kept saying "you're going to meet your baby" and such a joy he brought me when we finally met. I felt really tired, but it was such a surreal feeling being a mother. What I know now, I thought I loved him in that moment but as we got to know one another and I realized he loved me too, my world was his. No one will ever come close to the amount of love I have for him, but more amazingly I will never be loved by someone else they way he loves me. They way he loves me for being his mother.  Becoming a mother did change the way I look at everything, all of sudden I looked at my husband with different eyes, I remember the first week I cried ALOT because I wanted Michael to quit his job so he could stay with us forever, I remember feeling so in love with him, I just thought he was beautiful, ever time I looked at him I would think he helped me create this baby. It was like God had washed me white as snow and there was no wrong in this world,  But that wasn't  always the case as time went on, you realize that people say hurtful things to you, make you feel less than, you realize that some people forget what it's like. You realize that baby's fall and get hurt and you worry yourself sick watching them sleep, you realize that you stay up all through the night waiting for fevers to break or rubbing gums and rocking a miserable teething baby, being a mom is rough, sometimes you feel alone, you feel judged, you regret things, worry over things but you also realize that your mother did the same for you, she took disgruntled remarks about her children or made tough decisions, you realize that she did the best she could, but most importantly you realized that she loves you with every once of her being. I know how much God has blessed me and Michael both with mothers that would go to the ends of the world for us. I find kindred spirits with them because I know not to many years ago they were loving us the best and most they knew how. I love you Mama, thank you so much for loving me and showing me how to be a loving mother to my son, I know it's because of you that I love him and Michael so much! 

Happy Birthday!

Where are you going

There have been few times in my life that I had to scream out for Gods help but I can't even begin to count the times I have under my breath. At those times in my life I have also had times of asking "where are you God?" And This breaks my heart to even be writing it. I feel like I disgrace him by evening questioning the HOLY SPIRIT. But what I've learned is sometimes he answers immediately and sometimes it takes time for God to reveal to us where he is in a situation. I have to wonder in some of these times if God is asking me "where are you?" Or better yet "where are you going from here?". At a rather young age of 16 I watched a very dear friend of ours lose her baby boy, I don't mean emotionally I mean I watched as her sweet son went to be with Jesus, I remember holding her older son who was only 18 months himself in the street in front of their house. I still had faith as we watched the helicopter land in their yard. This just wasn't something that happened and I couldn't grasp it. We clung close the following days and even months and even years as I think of that day often. I remember me, my mom and sister who had also been present, just standing and holding each other and crying in the kitchen one night. No matter how much it seemed our hearts would burst at any given time from the pain, we had such a beautiful example to learn from, the mother of this sweet boy. I can't tell you what I have learned from her over the years, as she has become the mother of many, but I can look at her family and I can tell you where God is.... He is in her, in her children and in her husband. He is in her smile and her ability to wake up everyday admit her faults but to except Gods grace and mercy, he is there in her longing to be with him and with her son again. He is there. I don't know why that sweet baby had to leave so soon or why it seems God doesn't immediately hear us when we call, but I know he reveals himself to us and let's us know we aren't alone in our pain and suffering. I recently was in a similar situation, I found myself with all of my might holding my sister up while she labored, our hands laced at some points, I breathed in holding my breath, pushing with her. I remember my brother in laws face as his eyes were filled with tears. This baby needed to come then, I had not quite ever seen a birth like this. I've watched a lot of birth stories as well as been to a few live ones too. It was real and it was scary. When the baby finally came out and rested against my sisters stomach she wasn't breathing, me and my sister starting calling her name, "Ellison!! Ellison!!" "Jesus help us" I could hear my mother in the background crying and begging. I remember thinking to myself such a selfish thought. Why me God? Why would you put me here again? Why do I have to see this again? Then I begin to think maybe my negative thoughts and lack of faith had a role in it? But I immediately snapped out of it and I told him he was all I had, and at the mercy and grace of him she begin to cry and look for her mama. She is beautiful, a miracle, A testimony. God showed up and revealed himself immediately when we called for him. He showed us his mercy and his grace. I know my sister will tell her about her testimony, the struggle she had to come here and that she will move mountains because of it. To God be the glory, for I learned from these situations I am at his mercy, but to him be the glory, sometimes we hurt and struggle and we have to call out to him and when we wonder where he is, he is there, he is inside of us, ( I hope he is, if not you can contact me and I will help you learn how to have him inside of you) my older sister and I talked after the birth and she said what do you think it's like when you're put in a situation like that and you haven't got God to call out to, and I know this much, he fills every void and misunderstanding I have, he is peace  and he overwhelmes me with his grace because I am undeserving, yet he blesses me and makes me rich and whole. I know I haven't question him because he will never leave me or forsake me even in times of tragedy. He takes me to new places everyday and I will not grow comfortable, I need him where I am going and I know he will meet me there. 

My Mothers Eyes.

When I was near the end of my pregnancy someone asked me if I hoped WB would have blue eyes like me. It dawned on me that I had not had the thought of what I hoped he would get from me, I knew he would be handsome like his daddy, we could tell that from the ultra sounds but I had never put much thought into what I hoped I would pass to him.  My mother has blue eyes and her mother had blue eyes. When WB was born he had the newborn blue eyes but they became more crystal blue and looked more like mine. My mom use to say she felt like she was looking grandma Johnson in the eyes when she looked at him. He has such soul in his eyes, you can hear his laughter looking in his eyes without even hearing him laugh. One time someone was trying their best to describe my mom when they said she laughs more at her own jokes than anyone else's, my mom getting tickled at the punch line before she even gets it out  is prime example, but her laugh is contagious, it is healing and priceless, just like my sons. She use to kid me and say I had to have 5 kids to have a blonde hair blue eyed girl, I don't really care if WBs eyes change even though they are still as blue as mine, because I know he has gotten so much more than blue eyes from me. I know I am impatient and moody sometimes and sometimes, okay a lot of the time I say dumb things, but I also know this, I am happy... Truly happy and I know I pass that on to my son, I like the sound of my laughter and I don't think that's conceited, I think it keeps me sane and my skin thick and I'm 100% okay with passing my laughter on to him. I can laugh at myself, and in today's world that's important, sometimes laughing breaks the tension. I am loving and free and my heart really can be broken easily but I will also teach him that it is okay to be sensitive but to not let the world walk over him but I hope that the good that can come from me doesn't have to be taught but can be seen, so often you hear parents accuse their parents or say they will never do things like them, or they are afraid of becoming them, but I am not, though like me my mother is impatient or sometimes misunderstood, she is beautiful and gracious. I am not afraid of becoming her because she showed me good and taught me good and I became me not her, I look in the mirror and I see my mothers eyes and I am reminded of who she hoped I would become and I know I make her proud, I hope I can do the same for WB, that when he looks in the mirror he sees my eyes and is reminded of who I am and that I am and will always be proud of who he is. 

" I've watch it over the years grow and grow. 

 I've seen it and all it has to show. 

I am Amazed in its glory, amazed at it's knowledge. 

I see It is giving, and willing, and so full of heritage. 

It has Beauty and patience

It is a Teacher, caregiver,  a cook of brilliance. 

It can be Fragile and sensitive but strong and willed. 

I laid next to it and then upon it and then I left with my part of it. 

I was invested in it, 

Prayed for and stored there. 

I was given hope from it, and peace. I was overwhelmed with loved that was offered and shared from it. 

I have watched the broken tears fall from it, the happy tears stream from it. I have watched it kiss a grandchild's face 

I have seen it sick and frail but I have seen it rise above and hold it's place. 

I have seen it question and guilt itself.  Blame itself. I have seen it love kids that weren't its own, I have seen it love antiques, whatnots and golden books that fill the shelf.

I have heard it's stories, every beat, every beat of it's stories....

I have seen the things it is capable of. I have seen it beat.  Please oh please tell me you know, tell me you have witness, that you have held the pulse of my mothers soft hands? That you know my mothers heart? I have and I always will. I do everyday, because it beats inside of me."

 

Happy Mother's Day 

To my one and only. 

I am thankful God chose you as my mother, I love you. 

 

William Braylon

Dear William Braylon, 

Today I celebrate you, today I want you to know and feel exactly how special you are to me. You have been mine for 21 months, 9 of those you spent in my belly, growing, and I prayed then what I still pray over you now, for you to be happy, healthy and prosperous.  God has heard my prayers, as you have been these things. Your smile is the light to my world, the light to my day. The light to my every minute. I want you to know that because of you, me and your daddy love each other more deeply and wholly. We don't ever want you to wonder if we love one another or you, for we love you more than you will ever know. EVERYWHERE you go a little piece of me will always go with you, because you are my heart, without you it wouldn't beat, you make our hearts beat with joy. God has blessed me so much to making it possible for me to spend my days with you, and I assure you every second of this year has been filled with cuddles, kisses, giggles and love. It makes me so sad to think how quickly we have come to your first birthday, but God is good son, and the future is promising and I am excited for me and your father to enjoy parenting you for all the years to come. I know today will only be another day to your little soul, but today is so much more to this mama of yours, so please be patient with me as I randomly cry at the amounts of love I have for you. Please be patient as I look back to all the memories from this past year of your first smile, and giggle, how I stayed up all night the night you turned one month old because I missed you when I slept, your first roll, and swim, the first time you got a booboo, or how you cried in the car seat and broke my heart so I cried with you. The memories of all the nights watching you snuggle up close to your daddy, or watching you light up when your da walked in the room, or how you like to rub your big cousins hair, or give you little cousin a kiss. I will look back to the first timed you crawled and when I realized you had gotten your first tooth, the pure joy I felt every new word you said, today I will reflect on how much you've changed and grown here recently, of how your Gigi taught you to high five and the excitement she felt and how cute you knew you were giving them to her, of how you throw your head back when you sit on gammas lap because you know she always plays games with you, how you chased me around the living room trying to eat all of my BBQ, or how you feel like you have to laugh at the tv when me and daddy do, how you say bababa when I lay you down to change your diaper  because you want me to sing baba black sheep. There is so much love in all of these things, so much joy and so much happiness. As I watch you begin to take your first steps and plan your birthday party I know that God has blessed me in such incredible way by allowing me to mother you. I love you son, I love you, I love you, I love you. Happy First Birthday.