Leon Harrison, I thought often over the past year about writing your letter on your first birthday. I will write to you, just like I had done for your brother. When you would rub your eyes with both hands in your car seat and fight your sleep until we arrived home. When you would sing to keep yourself awake because you loved being at home to sleep. I took note, I took note of how cute you looked (even though you were miserably sleepy) I sometimes starred at you to much in the mirror than I should have. I took note of how you sit in the bath tub like a sumo wrestler, your chubby little belly resting on your knees. The times we danced in the kitchen and you giggled and sang with me, I stamped it on my heart and sealed it there to keep. The first time you crawled, or I found your first teeth or the first time you pulled up, Happiness consumed me. Leon, I knew you were a promise God would fulfill, we named you long before you were in my tummy and called you that like we knew you were coming. Leon means lion, and Leon spelled backwards is Noel which means shout of joy. Your name sweet sweet boy is so fitting, it makes perfect sense that God put you in my heart before he ever put you in my belly. One of your favorite things to do is roar, when you do I always say in my head "hear me roar". I know you are a leader, you are fierce and strong and you will speak and mountains will move. I felt it in my spirit when the nurse said its a boy. "Shout of joy" that second part of your name can't be forgotten because you are as joyful as you are fierce. Your sweet little smile captivates hearts and flirts with souls. I haven't ever told very many people of the strong feelings I had the week I found out you were in fact Leon, I cried and cried, maybe because I had dreamed of you, maybe because I had named you, maybe because you were the brother God had picked out for WB or the son he had picked out for me and your dad. I cried and was overwhelmed at the feeling of calling I felt on your little life. I don't know if you're my little preacher man or if you will feed the children of Africa, all I know is God put it on my heart and I pray for it to come to light, and I can't wait to watch you grow and watch that calling unfold. For now your my sweet baby boy who absolutely adores me, I've never felt so strongly that I was enough, but sometimes you fall back asleep mid air after I pick you just cause you simply wanted me to hold you. You don't need much from me, but yet you convince me to give you my everything. You have been such a joy, to me, your daddy and to your brother. You love to play with toys, to dance, to take baths and to feed yourself. I love you and am so excited to watch you grow and for the relationship you have with your big brother to mature. I hope that one day you and your brother look back at the years I was able to spend at home with you and that good memories flood your minds. I hope that the good always out weighs the bad and that I am a mother you are proud to have. Thank you so much for being my sweet baby boy, I am so so thankful for you Leon and am so happy that God knew you were exactly what our family and the world needed. I know God placed you in my heart for a reason but more importantly I know he placed you on this earth for great things! I love you sweet little blonde hair and those sweet sweet eyes! Happy 1st Birthday baby boy! Love, mama

Undocumented pancakes.

I've read before that the happiness and peace a child feels in their first two years of life is what goes with them for the rest of their life. That's a lot of pressure right? As if some days I don't already feel like I'm drowning in milk and applesauce you have to tell me that the rest of my child's life is riding on how well I handle it? Leon isn't the greatest sleeper, God love him, he is the cutest, sweetest and most tender child, but sleep is just not for him. I often feel ill and tired and my patience seems thin because of my lack of sleep. I hate it. Really I do, I hate the feeling of getting through the motions and hoping for bedtime to come. Everyone needs me, the house needs me, I need me. A lot rides on mamas, we are a special breed. Sometimes I lay my head down and literally think did I brush my teeth or was that last night? I know, I know you say, but you only have two, but really sleep is a beautiful thing. I should just be one of those tough mamas and put him in his crib to fend for himself... He's 7 months that's old enough right? Yeah right... We literally have conversations like this in our house, Michael: I think he doesn't sleep good because you don't snuggle with him. So we are kinda completely opposite of cry it out, we snuggle it out. so where was I going with this blog, oh yeah to the fact that since having Leon, my big baby became a big boy. I didn't notice it when we brought Leon home, or when we potty trained him, I didn't decide he was a big boy when he started walking in Sunday school and telling me "see you later". I first noticed one night when Michael had taken Leon for a nap and me and Braylon were going to make breakfast for dinner. I told him we were going to make pancakes, something we have done plenty of times, I usually get the ingredients out and then just let him stir, but that night he got them out himself. Butter, milk, flour, sugar, eggs and then he pointed to my baking cabinet and requested the baking soda and salt. I think he probably could had handled it without my supervision. That's what hit me, the reality that he use to watch me do and now I watched him do. That night me and him laughed and cooked for several hours, while daddy and Leon napped. I didn't know where my phone was, it was completely undocumented. Just me and him and silly conversations. "Pancakes are good mama, I'm going to make daddy a giant pancake" "daddy will love his giant pancake" sometimes the accessibility of our phones make it hard to put them away. I wish I would have used my phone to record him that night, his sweet generous heart. I wish I could have put it on a cd and in a envelope and kept in our safe. So I could go back and recall that sweet little boy who will one day grow up and have no interest in knowing where I keep my baking soda. These intimate times, without our phones or the world outside, those are the times that we see the peace and happiness we have instilled in our children. These are the times that I can tell how generous of a heart Braylon has, and how happy it made him to be serving someone else. (Making pancakes for his daddy) it's these times that make me realize that he doesn't see the pain or struggle or even realize I'm crying over the gallon of organic milk that just split. He knows he is loved, he knows that he is one of a kind. I know he learns so much from me. I use to be sad by the fact he was growing older, but now I embrace it, I have babied and nurtured every part of his Little soul, even on the days I didn't have anything left,at all, it was because I had given him my all, every little piece I had to give. I have laid awake, more tired than imaginable only to kiss his sleeping brow to tell him sorry for crying over milk. I know that there is so much more for him to learn from me, but he is teaching me so much more than I could ever learn him. He tells me things like "I'm so proud of you" and "you're so smart". He doesn't tell me things like "why'd you spread applesauce all over the couch" or "lay down and go to sleep". Kids somehow get the important stuff and they forgive the other. Thank you Jesus, the peace and happiness you give my children. Thank you Jesus the patience you give this mamas heart. I don't ever wish a day away, I have cherished ever passing day whether it's spilling milk or making pancakes, I will continue to love my growing boys and hope that they never stop seeing the good in me and forgiving the bad.

I'm sorry you aren't here.

Sometimes days past without you crossing my mind, other days you are brought to my attention, but on some days I think of you, and I cry. I cry for my children, I cry for myself, I cry for you but more than anyone I cry for my husband, your son. I never realized marrying him would bring such an emotional battle, not because he's like you or because he walks around moping and blaming you. If anything you give him motivation, to be better, to do good by me and his children. It's an emotional battle because as his wife I am suppose to complete him, make him whole. I am suppose to share in his pain, hurt with when his heart does and rejoice in his happiness. The hurt and pain are very real, very present but Regardless of how much time I spend crying on the floor, going over things in my head over and over again, I can't come up with a solution. Without your effort nothing will change, I've prayed God please change his heart, change ours, God please, yet everything remains the same. I've tried to think maybe we are the only chance of Christ like love you will know, and I'm forced to realize you don't except our love. I wish you knew what it feels like to not be able to kiss away his pain. Do you know what it feels like for a part of a person to be missing and not be able to fill it, but want to with every part of your being? It's hard for me to think you have, and I'd love to be proven wrong, you have no idea how I wish you'd prove me wrong. I've seen my husband kissed the head of our children and know he feels the same love I do for them, I know he has to wonder if you ever felt that same love. One day when we thought something was seriously wrong with one of the boys, he said he drove the whole way to the doctors office to get the report, pleading with God. He said that he hadn't held him enough, to please give him all the time in the world to hold him. Have you ever had that desperation? Every ounce of your being consumed by the love you have for your children? I use to be on your side always encouraging him, hoping you'd be different. I use to think if we could just get your ears or eyes that you'd fall so in love with your grandsons that you'd never walk out of our lives again. I used to be naive always hoping for the best, praying for a change, praying to see the best thing to do, how we could love YOU differently, but we have free will and there is only so much we can do until our hearts are wholly Gods. I try hard to keep my heart soft but it's hard to not be insulted. It's hard to not see what an amazing man I am married to and not be insulted why you wouldn't want to share in his life? Why you don't care to watch him be successful and how he is loved by his bosses and done well at his job? How he is a wonderful husband to me and treats me with love and respect and loves me more and more each day. How he tells me things like "thank you for having my boys" or how on the most simple of days he looks at me and says "today is my favorite day". I am insulted and so deeply hurt that these to sweet babies have no idea who you are. I am sad that you haven't seen you son become a man, become a father. My most favorites role he plays. He loves them so incredible much, I have never had to ask him to make them a priority or to play with them, love them, change them, to bath them or rock them to sleep. His love for them blows me away. So I'm sorry, I am sorry I cry over you, I am sorry that I can't make you care. Most importantly I am sorry you aren't here. I'm sorry you are missing out. I hope one day you really get to know your son, he is quite the guy. 

Christmas with two; A first and a third.

It seems every year sneaks up on me. Takes my breath away for a moment realizing another year has passed. I want to bottle up the sounds, the smells, kisses and hugs. I wanna remember the words they use and the smiles they give.  Time seems to go so fast and little boys grow to quick. I went back to read about WB first Christmas, the little details sparked specific memories. I am thankful for writing the descriptions that carry memories. I am thankful to have Christmas memoirs, sweet words to relive past times with you my sweet boys. This Christmas Eve, I was talking with your Aunt Gaylen when I realized I couldn't remember what you first called a drink when you started talking... I told her I didn't write it down because I was sure I'd never forget, but I did and it will drive me crazy until I remember. I think back to last year and how tiny You must have been in my stomach LH, I didn't know the joy you would bring this year, sweet little one. I can't believe last Christmas I was just learning about you in my tummy and this year I am holding you on my lap. You have to be one of the happiest baby's I've ever met. Your daddy and I always talk about the  amount of smiles you give within one single day. You're so tender and sweet sometimes you have a look of question, looking for approval of sharing a smile. You're so sensitive, if you hear anyone being loud for what ever reason you always assume they must be yelling at you, I always reassure you and you trust me and smile to show me so. WB you have somehow grown into a little boy between last Christmas and this one. It's hard to imagine the baby boy who  could hardly talk last year is now constantly asking questions and exploring the world around him. This year was a very special year it was the first Christmas daddy got to be off from work and spend the entire day with us! We woke up bright and early and best I could beg you WB, I did. I finally convinced your sleepy head to come for your presents.  We kept things simple this year and you would have never known any different,you had a Thomas the train,  some dinosaurs and a Jake, what more could you want or need! If I could only have one memory from today it would be you saying " tank you mama" every time I handed you a gift. You were never prompted to do so, your heart is so genuine it makes me proud. Sometimes when daddy arrives home from work you announce "mama clean the whole house daddy" he will tell me thank you and you always follow his lead. I know we are raising you to be appreciative and I can't quite tell you where this will take you in life but just know son, it will take you somewhere good. I was thankful for a little sweetness to make up for the total fail of trying to get a picture of you and your brother in Christmas pajamas together. LH you were so sweet the whole time we open gifts, you enjoyed sucking on the mesh bag of a bath toy you got. Your big brother enjoyed opening gifts for you and then adding " this Lelon toy, I play with it too mama"  we finished the presents at our house and went to Gamma and Da's, all of your Aunts, Uncles and cousins were there. WB you always bust through the door saying "where my friends at" referring to your cousins. We opened presents,  Aunt Susa gave you a Mickey Mouse train WB, for you and L to always remember your trip to Disney World for Christmas from Gamma and Da. You ran and wrapped your arms around her and said "tank you susa" me and her couldn't help but get a little choked up. I know she loves her nieces and nephews more than anything and she buys you special things because she wants you to appreciate the joy in life, and when you do I know she wants to appreciate life just like your mama wants for you. We stacked you all up on the couch to take a picture with gamma and da, we all acted crazy in attempt to get you to look. I love to see all the first cousins together with your gamma and da, a love that makes all things good.We ate breakfast and did our stockings and then we headed to GiGi's and Pawpaws house. You both were asleep when we got there so I laid you, WB in Gigi's bed, when you woke up we opened presents, and let me just say Gigi wants you to both to be rotten! She enjoys doing Christmas for you so much and you're both loved by her so much. You both are loved so much by everyone and the joy I see everyday in you makes me a happy mama! I laid back down with you both, I was rocking LH and just trying to take a mental picture of his sweet little 4 month old self, I remember praying as I kissed his soft head, Jesus please help me remember his sweet smell and how soft his skin is, the innocent smell of his baby breath, please Jesus let me hold on to this forever. I know to quickly he will be running around with you WB. I wish there was a way to store of part of every day and never forget the little things. I wish you could know how many nights Id wished I could have had a day back, not because I wanted to do it over but because I wanted to do it exactly the same. I love you both and the joy you bring to my heart. I laid in the bed with you both. I checked our backing account and stared at $200 dollars someone had given us and I wept the most humbling cry I have to date. Last year was different daddy had a different Job we knew a different life but now all we know is Jesus provides everything in everyday in his perfect way. Christmas was hard.. We wanted so badly to provide you both with a big Christmas because that's what you deserved but listen to me sweet sons, I know you won't realize at such a young  age but what I can offer you this Christmas is so much more than a toy you will forget about in a few months. It is humbling yourself in front of God and saying I don't see a way and him making a way, it's about you saying I need you Jesus and him saying I'm right here and in not going to leave you. Me and your daddy have prayed a lot over the decisions we have made in the last years and we know they effect you, but we want you to know that everything we do we seek God first and always know he will keep you in mind. I hope my sweet littles that your Christmas was wonderful filled with joy and love. I know this Christmas meant a little bit more to me than past years. I am so blessed to have you both I am so blessed to serve a God that provides every need I give to him. I pray that between now and next Christmas I continue to lean on God and I hope you both grow up and learn to do the same, but tonight I will pray over you both and kiss your sweet soft heads and take in the smell of your hair and ask God please please let me hold on to this memory forever. 

Pitter Patter and Goodbyes

Please don't cry for me, for where sweet saints go is where I'll soon be. 

Please don't cry for me because soon my pain will be gone,  I'll be at rest, soon I'll finally be home. Please don't cry for me, be blessed by the life I led, be blessed by the future ahead. 

Please don't cry for me, but remember this day, this day I had with you. 

 Little feet thump thump, thump on the wooden floors. The bittersweet sound of children in the room of soul soon to leave. 

They said he hadn't opened his eyes most of the day but he was wide eyed once he heard the children. We held his hand as Aunt micki rubbed his head, tears filled the room on and off. She leaned over and ask if he was tired of her asking him if he knew who she was... But his pretty blue eyes says it all, he doesn't have the names or even the strength to say the words, but there's a familiar look in his eyes. His eyes tell us that he knows our faces and knows we are there because we love him. 

The grunts of a newborn makes it obvious there's a new soul in a room. Babies bring such a peace with them, they bring future with them. It's a good feeling seeing generations meet. Braylon told him about walking out to see his animals, probably for the last time. We talked about his rooster named Houston, he started to make sounds and move his lips like he was trying to talk, we never made sense of it but we all shouted and cried. It  reminded me of the excitement you feel when a baby first makes noises and says words, though their journey is just beginning, old and new souls share some of the same tender moments of similarities. These are his last words and noises and so appropriately are over animals. I wish my boys had met him sooner, all three of them, they all admire him. The goats, the tractors,land and hard work. Michael always returns home from Uncle Ed's saying he wants to be like him when he "grows up". Our little red brick house on less than an acre is far from Uncle Ed's kind of living. When you come into people's lives at certain points in their lives, you don't see their struggle that got them there, you just find a kindred spirit in them and feel like you know what got them there. Michael recognizes the hard work Uncle Ed put in, even into his 80's he's one of the hardest working man we know. These things probably makes it the hardest seeing his stern, and smart Aleck self, being helpless and vulnerable. It's just sad and it hurts your heart to see, no matter the age. I remember when we went to tell grandma Croom goodbye, it was so peaceful, she knew us and told us she loved us, but when disease takes your mind, your goodbye can feel a little cheated. His words were loss, but he insisted on holding any hand that found his. This post doesn't make very much sense but neither does cancer, or saying goodbyes or why we have to see the suffering of our family.  We have to take peace with it and hold their hand a little longer when they squeeze it. 

The Birth of Leon

How is that I'm holding an almost two week old baby? I was going through my pictures and realized in the flash of an eye I went from a big belly to holding a new 7 pound baby. I realized last night I needed to sit down and write about the birth before the details fleed me, before the fresh smell of newborn didn't linger in our house anymore, before these wrinkly little feet begin to move, before this newborn grunts and stretches turn to coos and rolling over and eventually words and walking... I look at Braylon and know exactly how all to quickly it comes, though each stage is fun and unique they past way to fast. Fortunately the labor of Leon was also fast but those kind of things we can only hope for them to be fast. Leading up to Leon's birth I felt fantastic, other than the urging want to meet my sweet little baby, I didn't have any other wants for labor to begin, I probably could have gone on being pregnant for months without it bothering me, complete opposite of Braylon,  I was sick, tired and my hips hurt in ways I couldn't have ever imagined.... I cried in my laundry room the night before I had Braylon, I pleaded with God to please let me have him soon, the next morning I started labor. Leon's pregnancy was night and day with his from the start, it made pregnancy easy for me so I fully expected to have a hard delivery because that just seemed fair. I begin to get really nervous about birth very early on, way more nervous than with Braylon, and it doesn't make much sense, it seems like I would have felt more prepared, but I didn't, remembering how hard it was made me doubt myself. We decided to deliver at a hospital across the bay, we loved our doctor, in fact I'm pretty sure Braylon thinks he is his best friend. He was so supportive as a doctor the whole 9 months and knew my plans to delivery natural. So my due date came and went just like it had with Braylon but wasn't a big deal and to be honest I didn't feel labor anytime soon, Sunday and Monday came and went too.... Monday night we went across the bay to have dinner and look for Braylon some shoes, with no luck, but we did enjoy just the 3 of us one last time before we became 4. The next morning I couldn't stand to vaccum or mop my floors one more time, so I set out to vaccum my car out and find Braylon some shoes. I returned home that afternoon and told Michael I was going to lay down because my legs were hurting, this should have been clue number one, I felt only had pain in my legs with my labor with Braylon. When I woke up Michael grilled some meat and I cooked some vegetables, I text Heather, my mother in law and told her, not to get her hopes up but I thought I'd be in labor soon, I meant the next day but she went on ahead and came to stay just in case. We ate dinner, once we finished it was pretty late in the evening, I took a shower and did my hair, when I got out I laid on the couch with Braylon until he fell asleep. I had been having contractions, they were very inconsistent, and besides I had been having "good" contractions for weeks without progress. I finally got in the bed around 10:30 that night and text my mom telling her I was confused because my contractions weren't consistent but I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought labor may be soon.  I tried to lay down and every 20 minutes or so I would have a really strong contraction, I woke Michael up and asked him to get me some water, this was around 11:45, when he came back his mom came in the room and said she would lay on the floor so Michael could sleep in case he did have to get up for work at 4:00, and she would help me if needed, I had a contraction in front of her and she convinced me to call my doctor, so I did, but felt silly because I couldn't really even say I was having consistent contractions, and I didn't feel like it was it and feared Michael calling in for a false alarm. I got on the phone and darn it my doctor wasn't on call.... I felt like I wanted to be Katherine Heigl from knocked up, I wanted to take a bath and wait for him to be on call, but babies don't wait.  He had a doctor join his practice that week and this was her first week on call, we exchanged a few words I told her I was planning on natural and she told me she was calling the hospital and worse case scenario they would just send me home but she thought I should atleast be checked, so I agreed I would make the hour drive and atleast see. We got up and collected our things I had more and more contractions come, it was beggining to feel like labor was starting, I laid down with my first baby for a few minutes and shed a few tears, because I didn't want to leave him behind, once I finally got up and decided to leave, when we got in the car I text my mom as my contractions were coming every 3 minutes and the pressure was unreal. Me and Michael prayed for us to make it safely because this was changing fast, and just like that we hit the bay way and nothing, Michael looked at me once we got off the interstate and said your not having anymore, but I had already noticed, I was looking at the clock trying to imagine I was having a contraction but, no nothing... I took the opportunity to take out the flash cards I had began making months ago, I put verses on one side and my prayers for the delivery, Leon and me on the other side. I read them over and over the weeks leading up and prayed and prayed. When we arrived to the hospital I walked in no problem and went to the desk to fill out paperwork before the maternity ward would come get me, I answered her questions and signed papers and laughed at her jokes, and remember still feeling silly because I knew she didn't think I was in labor, and I feared I wasn't either... The woman from labor and delivery finally came and got us I still wasn't having contractions, once we got in a room we met our nurse and got changed I started having contractions again here and there I finally got in the bed around 1:45 AM for her to check me and she told me I was 4cm and completely effaced, that was progress! I had been 2cm and 20% effaced the previous week so she said they would keep me considering I was 4 days over and she felt my water was going to break at any moment. Over the next hour my mom, dad and oldest sister came in to say hello, my mom talked me through a few contractions and man did they hurt but I would still have 10 and 15 minute breaks, then have two right on top of each other then a break again, I truly thought that I would be in labor on into the next day because I still wasn't having consistent contractions. My dad went to get food around three and I told Michael I didn't want to smell anything so we planned he would step out and eat it, well Leon had other plans, after they took michaels ordered I decided I wanted to be checked again so the nurse came in and checked me and said I was a 6 maybe more but she couldn't accurately see because she didn't want to break my water, that was around 3:30 AM, everyone had cleared out, I finally felt like I was doing it even though my contractions still had not been consistent but I had some that where going off the chart and I guess they were getting the Job done. At 4:20 AM I was complaining of a lot of pressure so the nurse checked me again I was 8cm, I asked her if I would make it to 6:00 AM so my doctor could deliver him and she laughed and said oh baby you won't make it to then, she told me she was going to call the on call doctor in because it would be soon, at 4:30 my water broke, I told Michael I could feel him coming and man I wasn't lying, the nurse came in and kept telling me to wait to push that the doctor would be in soon, but I kept telling her I wasn't trying but that he was coming, the doctor came in around 4:40 AM, she was asking me some questions, we made some decisions about how I wanted to push and what would happen after delivery. My dad popped in I guess to tell us Michael's food was there, I'm not really sure, but I hollered dad I'm fixing to push and boy was I, he turned around and let's just say Michael never are his Waffle House. I finally told her he is coming and she okay let's see so she counted to ten and I pushed and his head was out, then to ten again and started counting a third time but he was out before she finished! He didn't get to come to my chest like I wanted because I apparently make the shortest umbilical cords ever, so she held him down at my waste until the cord stop pulsing and then he was all mine! I was in awe I couldn't stop awing over what had just taken place! I could have never imagined birth could be so easy! The nurse leaned over and said you're a rockstar, you just delivered a baby better then most people who get epidurals! 

She and our baby nurse and even who ended up being our doctor were wonderful and really answers to prayers, they supported and respected us the whole way through. We got to enjoy our little Leon for the next two hours and then big brother got to meet him, he walked in and said hey mama, hey baby like he knew exactly who he was coming to meet! After him the grandparents and then the siblings got to enjoy him and our doctor made a appearance about 3 hours to late but he did still come by to see our sweet little Leon and of course Braylon was excited to see him too! We stayed until the next morning and then were able To go home! My doctor told me before we left that he still couldn't believe I had the baby like that when I did, he said  he could have sworn I had  another week! I guess that explains all his talks about how some woman go to 42 weeks the last few visits:) overall it was great birth and was such answers to prayers! I was blown away by the ease and really never would have thought I would have a easy birth like that, I know it's very well that could have been my experience without all the praying and scriptures I memorized but I owe it all to Jesus. I know he had us in his hands and I know that he listened and saw every desire in my heart. Leon I didn't know what my world was missing without you here, I didn't know the love I would feel or the overwhelming joy you and your brother could bring me. Thank you sweet son for being you! I can't wait to get to know you more and more each day! I love the adventure you, your brother and daddy bring to my life! 

Second Best

My sweet second son, there isn't any way around it, you're the second. Your precious older brother has been mine for two years now, but never think you are second to any one. You are mine. My son. My love. In the perfect place in His perfect timing. I prayed for you and ask God to send me exactly who the world needed and I know that's why he sent me you, Leon. We decided we would name you Leon back when we were pregnant with your brother and for months before I became pregnant with you, your daddy would ask me if I was ready for Leon.... We knew in our hearts that God would give us you Leon, it was just a matter of his timing. So here I am pregnant with my second, pregnant with the second best, but don't confuse that to being second to anyone or that better came before you, you're special, loved and for months we pray for you knowing that our hearts wanted you. You're my second and you're the best. Let me explain to you why second really is the best, you see when I became pregnant with your older brother I was young, naive and didn't really know what motherhood would be. I let others opinions effect me, I questioned myself in the beginning and sometimes didn't feel good enough... But that isn't the mother you or your brother deserve so you know what... I found myself, my little stitch in motherhood and you get to come into the world to a mother who is proud of herself, I'm confident in the ways I will take care of you and I know without a doubt that my intentions for you, though they may not always be right they are always the best. Your brother has set the path for you, he's matured this mama of yours, he's given me mini heart attacks, kept me awake at night, and filled my heart in places I didn't know exsisted. When I found out I would have you I couldn't stop crying for weeks because this was my second time, I knew those places in my heart, I had found them and embraced them and have already placed you there.  I know of the little smile that will soon keep me awake at night. The cries that will make my heart ache, and the giggles you and your daddy will share. Most importantly I know the gift of a sibling, I sit here and watch your sweet older brother sleep and I can't quite explain to him that your on your way and that you will love him the way only a sibling can, the way only a little brother can and in the same way he will love you.  

Me and your daddy love you so much, we are so blessed to call you our second, to call you our son and to call you Leon. 

I am so thankful that God sent me Braylon to help me find myself in this journey of motherhood, that he sent you a big brother that is loving and compassionate and smart, that he was thinking of you even though he sent Braylon two years before you, I am thankful that God has sent me you Leon as my second son, that already your sweet little personality captivates my heart, that you will continue to soften my heart and make it grow. I am thankful for both of my boys and the places they hold in my heart and in my soul.  I am excited I welcome you in the next few weeks, but for now I just want you to know though you're second, you're the best, most precious of gifts that God has allowed me to be given so please always remember you're perfect and in His perfect timing!