Our First Christmas Together.

Before this day is long ago and nothing but a distant memory I want WB to know exactly how special this day was. I would like to tell him that early this morning before the sun ever rose he laid so perfectly between me and his daddy, that he was wearing red pajamas and it seemed to make his fluffy little cheeks look a little rosier than usual. That when I went to put him in the car that his eyes seemed a little bluer today than yesterday and they had a sparkle that made me fall even more in love with his sweet little soul. I would like him to know that he couldn't stand himself when his Da wouldn't put the dish down and just hold him, I would tell him that me and all his aunts and uncles gave his Da tickets to the US open and that his Da cried with appreciation and joy. That I love how much he loves his Da and how he doesn't even know the wisdom he is yet to teach him. I would tell him how his daddy is so hard working and had to work on Christmas Day, but that he text me all day long wanting To see pictures of exactly what you were doing. That he told us he loved us and missed us. And how We missed him too. I want you to know I cried several times throughout the day because it just didn't seem fair for daddy to have to miss it. I want to tell you that we went to see your Great Great Grandma Croom. That she isn't doing well but was so excited to see you. I want to tell you I saw your aunt Mary Jane sneak on kiss on your pawpaws cheek and it made me admire Grandma Croom and the siblings she had raised. It made me think to the future and the siblings I hope to give you. I want you to know that I cried on the way home because I wish so badly that me and you both could know Grandma Johnson, I cried because I love that me and your daddy were able to bring you into so many grands and greats, uncles and aunts, that you know so much love and bring such joy. I cried because I simply feel so blessed to be your mama. I want you to know that when your daddy came home even though I was dissappinted by how little of time our family got to spend together with just us, that my heart skipped a beat because I love when your daddy is home for the night and we can be complete. I want you to know that today you were loved on by your Gigi, pawpaw, gamma, da, grandma Croom, your cousins and aunts and uncles but especially by your mama and daddy. I want you to know that not just today but everyday you have been ours I can't describe the joy you bring to our lives. That I cry as I write this because my heart hurts from the amount of love I have for you and your daddy. I love you so much, you have blessed my world my beautiful babe. Merry First Christmas. 

He blesses us, for us to be blessed.

I write tonight with a heavy heart. A sad heart. A hurt heart. I write becuase I need an outlet from all the things I have running through my mind. I sometimes get mad at the vivid dreamer that I am because my dreams sometimes don't even allow me to rest from my worry. Yesterday was one of those days that was filled with things that you just wish you could avoid. The kind of days you just wish someone would ask you about your day so you could cry and tell them why you were upset. Yet yesterday was also one of those days that my thoughts didn't even makes sense. Something upset me, someone else's selfishness upset me, somethinng that doesn't even make a difference in my life, but yet made me furious that someone could be so simple minded. That out of all the things to be concerned with and this person is concerned with something so petty just because of want. It's hard to elaborate on the matter without saying point blank what upset me. So I will just leave it here because to be honest I still can't wrap my mind around the situation. Secondly I found out something very close to home, something again that I can't really talk about. It just wasn't a good day. I went to bed worried and I woke up worried. It sucks to worry and it also sucks to not know how something is going to turn out, but then today I was riding down the road which is often where I spend my time with God and I was just praying. My mom has said before that having a baby is spiritual and I don't know if having a baby made me appreciate the God that I serve or made me realize that I needed him more than ever or if it opened my heart to a whole other level of faith, but I feel God in a completely different way than I used to. I feel him and the peace that he gives. So today when I was driving and fretting over the issue at hand and praying I knew God was saying I didn't bring you here to abandon you, I didn't bless you to leave you behind, I will not forsake you and I will not leave you alone. I prayed these things at the exact spot that I didn't need God to leave me, he had put this on my heart months ago and he had provided that very need and I knew now he wasn't going to abandon my family there alone. He blessed us to be blessed not to be worried or afraid. Sometimes we have bad days but that's all that they are is bad days. God is the long run, He is the big picture and our provider, He is our God and I will worship him for everyday, even the bad ones because if I have something to worry about means that I have am blessed enough to have something in the first place. So tonight even though the devil wants to point an issue out to us, I go to sleep with peace because I know my God will take care of me and my family. I know that I won't have to worry because he will not leave us or forsake us. 

A little insight

This isn't a bash on formula feeding or some big advocating speech on breastfeeding, it is simply an insight of a breastfeeding mother. I am often baffled by peoples remarks of when will you stop? or are you still nursing? These questions don't make me angry but they don't necessarily make me beam with joy either. When I had WB I knew I wanted to nurse him but I didn't have a cut off date in mind or an exact age I would wean him and guess what I still don't. So why can questions be so bothersome, or even somewhat offensive? Let me give a little insight and then I will say why and how it can bother me. Day one of nursing: this tiny sweet most perfect baby is handed to you, you've just used every muscle in your body to delivery this baby and now you are wholly responsible for the nurturing of this child. I Prayed for this day, breastfeeding was something I wanted to be successful at so I prayed about it leading up to this day, I had faith in my body and baby and luckily day one went fairy smooth considering that we both were completely worn out. Day two of nursing: Its 11:00 PM and my milk comes in aka laying chest first in an ant mount. It burns and stings, and you thank your lucky star that you have a sister willing to go to Walmart that late at night to buy a breast pump, come home sanitize it only to come in to find you and baby soundly asleep. Day three of nursing: Now that my milk has come in the baby decides he only wants to latch on to one side, good news, my midwife gives him a little push and he latches. Bad news my midwife wasn't with me every time after that when I had to nurse on that side. Result is very, I mean very uneven breasts'. The first few weeks I cringe every time he latches and every time my milk lets down it takes my breath away, but I keep pushing through it, other women have surely felt this and I wont give up. two months into nursing: The baby's weight gain is excellent, he nurses all the time sometimes ever 30 minutes.. the tenderness has somewhat left but the painful letdown only seem to get worse, he would choke, pull off and fuss, my milk would soak me and him within seconds, if it was free to run wild it would spray across the room. Some times the baby would love to nurse other times he seemed to hate it, I got online and read and read and discovered I was dealing with oversupply and forceful letdown, there were many days I would cry as I would nurse him... alligator tears as it made me so sad to hear him get choked up. My eldest sister is the only one I ever confided in about the matter, I feared being a failure at breastfeeding, I feared negative comments or anyone suggesting I dare give up. For weeks I would get knots in my stomach every time I would be in a situation I might have to nurse in front of anybody, including family. I would pray please God let it be okay!I felt like such a bad mother, it was important to me and I felt like I wasn't doing a good job, I felt like I was letting my baby down. and during this time is surely wasnt this fee good bonding experience others had made out to me. FINALLY upon reading I came across block feeding and this is when our breastfeeding relationship took a turn for the best. It was hard to stick to, and after 1000 soaked shirts, engorged painful boobs and a few cry sessions (from both of us) we both were doing good at nursing and the baby was just at the age where I could tell how much he loved it. four months of nursing: This is when all the hard work started to be rewarding. At night I would cradle the baby and nurse him and every couple of minutes he would pull off give me a smile and then "talk" to his daddy as if he was telling him how good his ninny milk was. (side note, For people who think that breastfeeding excludes dads from bonding, night time feeds were and still are a big bonding time for us as a family, Michael often rubs the baby's head while he nurses or just puts his arm around us and talks, I think he enjoyed seeing how much the baby enjoyed nursing as much as I did, and that makes me happy) 8 months of nursing: We are still going strong and it amazes me to say that my body has provided him everything he needs. He still loves to be social while eating and I think this has been the age he has loved his ninny most. So why are those questions bothersome, are you still nursing? or how long will you nurse? Because I have put in my hard work, I have went through pain and hardship and overcome it, I have had to excuse myself from dinner or other activities to nurse the baby, I have held my pee and pulled over in gas stations to nurse, I have bent my back over backwards in attempt to nurse the baby to sleep in the carseat, I have walked around Walmart with a sopping wet shirt. I have woken up 8 times at nighttime to nurse. I am not looking for a gold star I am Looking for a don't put your opinion in on our nursing relationship, I am looking for this is my body, my baby and my decision. I promise I am not going to nurse until I am spending him off to kindergarten but I am just asking for a little respect on the matter. One day I will know WB wont need to be nursed but until then I know his sweet little smile will assure me that he does indeed need me and wants me to nurse him. I am his comfort and all that he knows and I am completely happy to be that for him right now.