Yet she will be saved

My mom sent this verse and I've been dissecting it since. I spent so much of this week moping and in pity. I wanted to complain about Michael's hours at work and how the longest amount I spent with him was at the ER. I wanted to mope because I felt ashamed everytime I looked at my baby's face and saw the leftovers of his fall. I wanted to fear when I was handed papers and told to watch for further symptoms of a concussion. I wanted to stress when I was told to be careful to absolutely not let him fall again in the coming weeks. When we brought him home I set an alarm for every 45 minutes. Like some kind of punishment for my mama guilt. All night every time that alarmed buzzed I'd check Leon to make sure he was okay and then I'd remind myself how guilty I felt that my baby had gotten hurt. You know because I couldn't just call it an accident and call it a day. I had to analyze  every if why and but. I woke up the next morning praying and God, like he often does hit me like a brick and he mind as well said "shut up already" but not really because he's not that kind of God, but he did say, why are you making this about you?!?.
I've had lots of things to have mama guilt over and I've never had God speak such provision.  I sat there and prayed and the more I did the more I realized I had neglected to give him glory where he deserved, I neglected to thank him for his wisdom and protection. I had sat in my sorrows and in my stress and made it about me and my feelings and what I could have done differently and what I should have done and how I felt as a mother. It was just a minor head injury but it looked awful and made me cringe every time I looked at my baby's  beautiful face but it really could have been so much worse. God deserves the glory, he deserves a heart of thanks for having his hand on Leon and for covering me in grace when I do fail as a mother. I thank him for perceptive and forever giving me Grace even when I am selfish and make things about me and my feelings. This verse talks about  "childbearing" one of the most painful, exhausting and trying things a woman may face. But yet it says they will be save if they continue in faith, love and holiness and self control... Yes it will be hard, yes it will be difficult but we are saved! He is the only thing I have, my faith and my love and all things Holy come from him and only him! He didn't throw me into childbearing and then leave me! He said put your faith in me and you will be saved. It's are harsh concept to grasp and hard to let go but my children aren't about me and my feelings, though loving them is the best feeling I could ever have.  I can't control every aspect of their life and protect them always but He can and all I have to do is say here God these children are yours, they belong to you, guide them and hold them and protect them because I can't do it without you. I am so thankful that God loves my children even more than I do even though it so hard to fathom. I am so thankful  that he has given me my place in their life as their mother but I hope I am always reminded it's not about raising them for my glory but raising them for His glory!

Christmas: A fourth and a second

Christmas: A fourth and a second.
A fourth and a second sounds so crazy to me, I don't know what age I'll stop writing to them or if I ever will. One day I hope they look back at all the things I've written them , the notebooks beside my bed or the ones in drawers and see what my heart felt exactly at the moment. Part of my way of loving them is through words. So tonight I will write them their FOURTH and SECOND Christmas letter.

WB and LH,
This year has been fun, the magic of Christmas is beaming through you both. We got out and did lots of festivities this year and it really helped make it a fun month leading up to the day of Christmas. Wb you are old enough to understand what Christmas is truly about and I can't wait to see you grow in learn your relationship with Jesus and one day soon you will be able to teach Leon the true reason too. Christmas always brings so much reflection for me, the year coming to an end and a new one just waiting for memories to be made. It's so bittersweet having the two of you to grow with, to learn with and to love. Everyday you both remind me that there is grace to be given, patience to be built, and love is relentless.
This year was so different from last year. Me and daddy pulled out pictures to remanence and it made us giggle at how we pulled Christmas together last year, but I thought about how you told us thank you after every gift you opened. Last year we found ourselves relying on God in one way and though in a different way this year God is still asking us to be faithful to him, to bring our worries to him and to cast our anxieties on him.  I wish I could tell you that life wouldn't have worry or sorrows.  Something I can tell you is that God is sovereign, he is gracious and he is faithful when you are faithful to him. This year daddy had to work nights on Christmas Day but neither of you would have ever  known, he came in and opened presents with us and spent the whole day with you until you all napped before he left for work again. Your Gigi and uncle Justin stayed Christmas Eve night with us.  Uncle Justin read the night before Christmas and the Christmas story before you snuggled in bed watching the Grinch. Wb you can tell the whole story about the grinch how his heart grew. Oh it's  the sweetest to listen to you comprehend the stories and life that surround you. Christmas morning you pretended to "read" your name tags and one of them read "dear William Braylon you are a very good boy, and mama and daddy love you very much". Oh you have no idea sweet boy, we love you and Leon so so much. We went to gammas after we finished the gifts at our house, with Gigi in tow. I think about the dynamics of our families sometimes and how you have no concept of the Croom's or Callahan's, you you both just have "family", you may see any of your "family" at the Croom's or at the Callahan's at any given time. Sometimes this intertwined family consumes me with gratitude that I wish I could share with the whole world! You are both so so loved and in return you both love so so deep.
Me and daddy are so blessed God decided to trust us to be your parents, to have these moments, to learn with you and grow.
I am hopeful this year will slow down to give me a second to treasure your sweet hugs and kisses. I am hopeful this year will slow down to watch candles be blown out and lots of first'. I am hopeful this year will slow down for red noses on cold days at the park. I am hopeful time will slow down for toes in the sand and jumping over waves.
I am hopeful time will slow down for hearing what you learned in Sunday school, and making new friends. I am hopeful time will slow down just so I can hold you both tight and love you more this year than I ever have before, I know next Christmas is only a hop, jump and skip away but I am oh so happy I get to hold you on this quick trip called life,

With ALL of my love,
Mama.

Leon Harrison, I thought often over the past year about writing your letter on your first birthday. I will write to you, just like I had done for your brother. When you would rub your eyes with both hands in your car seat and fight your sleep until we arrived home. When you would sing to keep yourself awake because you loved being at home to sleep. I took note, I took note of how cute you looked (even though you were miserably sleepy) I sometimes starred at you to much in the mirror than I should have. I took note of how you sit in the bath tub like a sumo wrestler, your chubby little belly resting on your knees. The times we danced in the kitchen and you giggled and sang with me, I stamped it on my heart and sealed it there to keep. The first time you crawled, or I found your first teeth or the first time you pulled up, Happiness consumed me. Leon, I knew you were a promise God would fulfill, we named you long before you were in my tummy and called you that like we knew you were coming. Leon means lion, and Leon spelled backwards is Noel which means shout of joy. Your name sweet sweet boy is so fitting, it makes perfect sense that God put you in my heart before he ever put you in my belly. One of your favorite things to do is roar, when you do I always say in my head "hear me roar". I know you are a leader, you are fierce and strong and you will speak and mountains will move. I felt it in my spirit when the nurse said its a boy. "Shout of joy" that second part of your name can't be forgotten because you are as joyful as you are fierce. Your sweet little smile captivates hearts and flirts with souls. I haven't ever told very many people of the strong feelings I had the week I found out you were in fact Leon, I cried and cried, maybe because I had dreamed of you, maybe because I had named you, maybe because you were the brother God had picked out for WB or the son he had picked out for me and your dad. I cried and was overwhelmed at the feeling of calling I felt on your little life. I don't know if you're my little preacher man or if you will feed the children of Africa, all I know is God put it on my heart and I pray for it to come to light, and I can't wait to watch you grow and watch that calling unfold. For now your my sweet baby boy who absolutely adores me, I've never felt so strongly that I was enough, but sometimes you fall back asleep mid air after I pick you just cause you simply wanted me to hold you. You don't need much from me, but yet you convince me to give you my everything. You have been such a joy, to me, your daddy and to your brother. You love to play with toys, to dance, to take baths and to feed yourself. I love you and am so excited to watch you grow and for the relationship you have with your big brother to mature. I hope that one day you and your brother look back at the years I was able to spend at home with you and that good memories flood your minds. I hope that the good always out weighs the bad and that I am a mother you are proud to have. Thank you so much for being my sweet baby boy, I am so so thankful for you Leon and am so happy that God knew you were exactly what our family and the world needed. I know God placed you in my heart for a reason but more importantly I know he placed you on this earth for great things! I love you sweet little blonde hair and those sweet sweet eyes! Happy 1st Birthday baby boy! Love, mama

Undocumented pancakes.

I've read before that the happiness and peace a child feels in their first two years of life is what goes with them for the rest of their life. That's a lot of pressure right? As if some days I don't already feel like I'm drowning in milk and applesauce you have to tell me that the rest of my child's life is riding on how well I handle it? Leon isn't the greatest sleeper, God love him, he is the cutest, sweetest and most tender child, but sleep is just not for him. I often feel ill and tired and my patience seems thin because of my lack of sleep. I hate it. Really I do, I hate the feeling of getting through the motions and hoping for bedtime to come. Everyone needs me, the house needs me, I need me. A lot rides on mamas, we are a special breed. Sometimes I lay my head down and literally think did I brush my teeth or was that last night? I know, I know you say, but you only have two, but really sleep is a beautiful thing. I should just be one of those tough mamas and put him in his crib to fend for himself... He's 7 months that's old enough right? Yeah right... We literally have conversations like this in our house, Michael: I think he doesn't sleep good because you don't snuggle with him. So we are kinda completely opposite of cry it out, we snuggle it out. so where was I going with this blog, oh yeah to the fact that since having Leon, my big baby became a big boy. I didn't notice it when we brought Leon home, or when we potty trained him, I didn't decide he was a big boy when he started walking in Sunday school and telling me "see you later". I first noticed one night when Michael had taken Leon for a nap and me and Braylon were going to make breakfast for dinner. I told him we were going to make pancakes, something we have done plenty of times, I usually get the ingredients out and then just let him stir, but that night he got them out himself. Butter, milk, flour, sugar, eggs and then he pointed to my baking cabinet and requested the baking soda and salt. I think he probably could had handled it without my supervision. That's what hit me, the reality that he use to watch me do and now I watched him do. That night me and him laughed and cooked for several hours, while daddy and Leon napped. I didn't know where my phone was, it was completely undocumented. Just me and him and silly conversations. "Pancakes are good mama, I'm going to make daddy a giant pancake" "daddy will love his giant pancake" sometimes the accessibility of our phones make it hard to put them away. I wish I would have used my phone to record him that night, his sweet generous heart. I wish I could have put it on a cd and in a envelope and kept in our safe. So I could go back and recall that sweet little boy who will one day grow up and have no interest in knowing where I keep my baking soda. These intimate times, without our phones or the world outside, those are the times that we see the peace and happiness we have instilled in our children. These are the times that I can tell how generous of a heart Braylon has, and how happy it made him to be serving someone else. (Making pancakes for his daddy) it's these times that make me realize that he doesn't see the pain or struggle or even realize I'm crying over the gallon of organic milk that just split. He knows he is loved, he knows that he is one of a kind. I know he learns so much from me. I use to be sad by the fact he was growing older, but now I embrace it, I have babied and nurtured every part of his Little soul, even on the days I didn't have anything left,at all, it was because I had given him my all, every little piece I had to give. I have laid awake, more tired than imaginable only to kiss his sleeping brow to tell him sorry for crying over milk. I know that there is so much more for him to learn from me, but he is teaching me so much more than I could ever learn him. He tells me things like "I'm so proud of you" and "you're so smart". He doesn't tell me things like "why'd you spread applesauce all over the couch" or "lay down and go to sleep". Kids somehow get the important stuff and they forgive the other. Thank you Jesus, the peace and happiness you give my children. Thank you Jesus the patience you give this mamas heart. I don't ever wish a day away, I have cherished ever passing day whether it's spilling milk or making pancakes, I will continue to love my growing boys and hope that they never stop seeing the good in me and forgiving the bad.

I'm sorry you aren't here.

Sometimes days past without you crossing my mind, other days you are brought to my attention, but on some days I think of you, and I cry. I cry for my children, I cry for myself, I cry for you but more than anyone I cry for my husband, your son. I never realized marrying him would bring such an emotional battle, not because he's like you or because he walks around moping and blaming you. If anything you give him motivation, to be better, to do good by me and his children. It's an emotional battle because as his wife I am suppose to complete him, make him whole. I am suppose to share in his pain, hurt with when his heart does and rejoice in his happiness. The hurt and pain are very real, very present but Regardless of how much time I spend crying on the floor, going over things in my head over and over again, I can't come up with a solution. Without your effort nothing will change, I've prayed God please change his heart, change ours, God please, yet everything remains the same. I've tried to think maybe we are the only chance of Christ like love you will know, and I'm forced to realize you don't except our love. I wish you knew what it feels like to not be able to kiss away his pain. Do you know what it feels like for a part of a person to be missing and not be able to fill it, but want to with every part of your being? It's hard for me to think you have, and I'd love to be proven wrong, you have no idea how I wish you'd prove me wrong. I've seen my husband kissed the head of our children and know he feels the same love I do for them, I know he has to wonder if you ever felt that same love. One day when we thought something was seriously wrong with one of the boys, he said he drove the whole way to the doctors office to get the report, pleading with God. He said that he hadn't held him enough, to please give him all the time in the world to hold him. Have you ever had that desperation? Every ounce of your being consumed by the love you have for your children? I use to be on your side always encouraging him, hoping you'd be different. I use to think if we could just get your ears or eyes that you'd fall so in love with your grandsons that you'd never walk out of our lives again. I used to be naive always hoping for the best, praying for a change, praying to see the best thing to do, how we could love YOU differently, but we have free will and there is only so much we can do until our hearts are wholly Gods. I try hard to keep my heart soft but it's hard to not be insulted. It's hard to not see what an amazing man I am married to and not be insulted why you wouldn't want to share in his life? Why you don't care to watch him be successful and how he is loved by his bosses and done well at his job? How he is a wonderful husband to me and treats me with love and respect and loves me more and more each day. How he tells me things like "thank you for having my boys" or how on the most simple of days he looks at me and says "today is my favorite day". I am insulted and so deeply hurt that these to sweet babies have no idea who you are. I am sad that you haven't seen you son become a man, become a father. My most favorites role he plays. He loves them so incredible much, I have never had to ask him to make them a priority or to play with them, love them, change them, to bath them or rock them to sleep. His love for them blows me away. So I'm sorry, I am sorry I cry over you, I am sorry that I can't make you care. Most importantly I am sorry you aren't here. I'm sorry you are missing out. I hope one day you really get to know your son, he is quite the guy. 

Christmas with two; A first and a third.

It seems every year sneaks up on me. Takes my breath away for a moment realizing another year has passed. I want to bottle up the sounds, the smells, kisses and hugs. I wanna remember the words they use and the smiles they give.  Time seems to go so fast and little boys grow to quick. I went back to read about WB first Christmas, the little details sparked specific memories. I am thankful for writing the descriptions that carry memories. I am thankful to have Christmas memoirs, sweet words to relive past times with you my sweet boys. This Christmas Eve, I was talking with your Aunt Gaylen when I realized I couldn't remember what you first called a drink when you started talking... I told her I didn't write it down because I was sure I'd never forget, but I did and it will drive me crazy until I remember. I think back to last year and how tiny You must have been in my stomach LH, I didn't know the joy you would bring this year, sweet little one. I can't believe last Christmas I was just learning about you in my tummy and this year I am holding you on my lap. You have to be one of the happiest baby's I've ever met. Your daddy and I always talk about the  amount of smiles you give within one single day. You're so tender and sweet sometimes you have a look of question, looking for approval of sharing a smile. You're so sensitive, if you hear anyone being loud for what ever reason you always assume they must be yelling at you, I always reassure you and you trust me and smile to show me so. WB you have somehow grown into a little boy between last Christmas and this one. It's hard to imagine the baby boy who  could hardly talk last year is now constantly asking questions and exploring the world around him. This year was a very special year it was the first Christmas daddy got to be off from work and spend the entire day with us! We woke up bright and early and best I could beg you WB, I did. I finally convinced your sleepy head to come for your presents.  We kept things simple this year and you would have never known any different,you had a Thomas the train,  some dinosaurs and a Jake, what more could you want or need! If I could only have one memory from today it would be you saying " tank you mama" every time I handed you a gift. You were never prompted to do so, your heart is so genuine it makes me proud. Sometimes when daddy arrives home from work you announce "mama clean the whole house daddy" he will tell me thank you and you always follow his lead. I know we are raising you to be appreciative and I can't quite tell you where this will take you in life but just know son, it will take you somewhere good. I was thankful for a little sweetness to make up for the total fail of trying to get a picture of you and your brother in Christmas pajamas together. LH you were so sweet the whole time we open gifts, you enjoyed sucking on the mesh bag of a bath toy you got. Your big brother enjoyed opening gifts for you and then adding " this Lelon toy, I play with it too mama"  we finished the presents at our house and went to Gamma and Da's, all of your Aunts, Uncles and cousins were there. WB you always bust through the door saying "where my friends at" referring to your cousins. We opened presents,  Aunt Susa gave you a Mickey Mouse train WB, for you and L to always remember your trip to Disney World for Christmas from Gamma and Da. You ran and wrapped your arms around her and said "tank you susa" me and her couldn't help but get a little choked up. I know she loves her nieces and nephews more than anything and she buys you special things because she wants you to appreciate the joy in life, and when you do I know she wants to appreciate life just like your mama wants for you. We stacked you all up on the couch to take a picture with gamma and da, we all acted crazy in attempt to get you to look. I love to see all the first cousins together with your gamma and da, a love that makes all things good.We ate breakfast and did our stockings and then we headed to GiGi's and Pawpaws house. You both were asleep when we got there so I laid you, WB in Gigi's bed, when you woke up we opened presents, and let me just say Gigi wants you to both to be rotten! She enjoys doing Christmas for you so much and you're both loved by her so much. You both are loved so much by everyone and the joy I see everyday in you makes me a happy mama! I laid back down with you both, I was rocking LH and just trying to take a mental picture of his sweet little 4 month old self, I remember praying as I kissed his soft head, Jesus please help me remember his sweet smell and how soft his skin is, the innocent smell of his baby breath, please Jesus let me hold on to this forever. I know to quickly he will be running around with you WB. I wish there was a way to store of part of every day and never forget the little things. I wish you could know how many nights Id wished I could have had a day back, not because I wanted to do it over but because I wanted to do it exactly the same. I love you both and the joy you bring to my heart. I laid in the bed with you both. I checked our backing account and stared at $200 dollars someone had given us and I wept the most humbling cry I have to date. Last year was different daddy had a different Job we knew a different life but now all we know is Jesus provides everything in everyday in his perfect way. Christmas was hard.. We wanted so badly to provide you both with a big Christmas because that's what you deserved but listen to me sweet sons, I know you won't realize at such a young  age but what I can offer you this Christmas is so much more than a toy you will forget about in a few months. It is humbling yourself in front of God and saying I don't see a way and him making a way, it's about you saying I need you Jesus and him saying I'm right here and in not going to leave you. Me and your daddy have prayed a lot over the decisions we have made in the last years and we know they effect you, but we want you to know that everything we do we seek God first and always know he will keep you in mind. I hope my sweet littles that your Christmas was wonderful filled with joy and love. I know this Christmas meant a little bit more to me than past years. I am so blessed to have you both I am so blessed to serve a God that provides every need I give to him. I pray that between now and next Christmas I continue to lean on God and I hope you both grow up and learn to do the same, but tonight I will pray over you both and kiss your sweet soft heads and take in the smell of your hair and ask God please please let me hold on to this memory forever. 

Pitter Patter and Goodbyes

Please don't cry for me, for where sweet saints go is where I'll soon be. 

Please don't cry for me because soon my pain will be gone,  I'll be at rest, soon I'll finally be home. Please don't cry for me, be blessed by the life I led, be blessed by the future ahead. 

Please don't cry for me, but remember this day, this day I had with you. 

 Little feet thump thump, thump on the wooden floors. The bittersweet sound of children in the room of soul soon to leave. 

They said he hadn't opened his eyes most of the day but he was wide eyed once he heard the children. We held his hand as Aunt micki rubbed his head, tears filled the room on and off. She leaned over and ask if he was tired of her asking him if he knew who she was... But his pretty blue eyes says it all, he doesn't have the names or even the strength to say the words, but there's a familiar look in his eyes. His eyes tell us that he knows our faces and knows we are there because we love him. 

The grunts of a newborn makes it obvious there's a new soul in a room. Babies bring such a peace with them, they bring future with them. It's a good feeling seeing generations meet. Braylon told him about walking out to see his animals, probably for the last time. We talked about his rooster named Houston, he started to make sounds and move his lips like he was trying to talk, we never made sense of it but we all shouted and cried. It  reminded me of the excitement you feel when a baby first makes noises and says words, though their journey is just beginning, old and new souls share some of the same tender moments of similarities. These are his last words and noises and so appropriately are over animals. I wish my boys had met him sooner, all three of them, they all admire him. The goats, the tractors,land and hard work. Michael always returns home from Uncle Ed's saying he wants to be like him when he "grows up". Our little red brick house on less than an acre is far from Uncle Ed's kind of living. When you come into people's lives at certain points in their lives, you don't see their struggle that got them there, you just find a kindred spirit in them and feel like you know what got them there. Michael recognizes the hard work Uncle Ed put in, even into his 80's he's one of the hardest working man we know. These things probably makes it the hardest seeing his stern, and smart Aleck self, being helpless and vulnerable. It's just sad and it hurts your heart to see, no matter the age. I remember when we went to tell grandma Croom goodbye, it was so peaceful, she knew us and told us she loved us, but when disease takes your mind, your goodbye can feel a little cheated. His words were loss, but he insisted on holding any hand that found his. This post doesn't make very much sense but neither does cancer, or saying goodbyes or why we have to see the suffering of our family.  We have to take peace with it and hold their hand a little longer when they squeeze it. 

The Birth of Leon

How is that I'm holding an almost two week old baby? I was going through my pictures and realized in the flash of an eye I went from a big belly to holding a new 7 pound baby. I realized last night I needed to sit down and write about the birth before the details fleed me, before the fresh smell of newborn didn't linger in our house anymore, before these wrinkly little feet begin to move, before this newborn grunts and stretches turn to coos and rolling over and eventually words and walking... I look at Braylon and know exactly how all to quickly it comes, though each stage is fun and unique they past way to fast. Fortunately the labor of Leon was also fast but those kind of things we can only hope for them to be fast. Leading up to Leon's birth I felt fantastic, other than the urging want to meet my sweet little baby, I didn't have any other wants for labor to begin, I probably could have gone on being pregnant for months without it bothering me, complete opposite of Braylon,  I was sick, tired and my hips hurt in ways I couldn't have ever imagined.... I cried in my laundry room the night before I had Braylon, I pleaded with God to please let me have him soon, the next morning I started labor. Leon's pregnancy was night and day with his from the start, it made pregnancy easy for me so I fully expected to have a hard delivery because that just seemed fair. I begin to get really nervous about birth very early on, way more nervous than with Braylon, and it doesn't make much sense, it seems like I would have felt more prepared, but I didn't, remembering how hard it was made me doubt myself. We decided to deliver at a hospital across the bay, we loved our doctor, in fact I'm pretty sure Braylon thinks he is his best friend. He was so supportive as a doctor the whole 9 months and knew my plans to delivery natural. So my due date came and went just like it had with Braylon but wasn't a big deal and to be honest I didn't feel labor anytime soon, Sunday and Monday came and went too.... Monday night we went across the bay to have dinner and look for Braylon some shoes, with no luck, but we did enjoy just the 3 of us one last time before we became 4. The next morning I couldn't stand to vaccum or mop my floors one more time, so I set out to vaccum my car out and find Braylon some shoes. I returned home that afternoon and told Michael I was going to lay down because my legs were hurting, this should have been clue number one, I felt only had pain in my legs with my labor with Braylon. When I woke up Michael grilled some meat and I cooked some vegetables, I text Heather, my mother in law and told her, not to get her hopes up but I thought I'd be in labor soon, I meant the next day but she went on ahead and came to stay just in case. We ate dinner, once we finished it was pretty late in the evening, I took a shower and did my hair, when I got out I laid on the couch with Braylon until he fell asleep. I had been having contractions, they were very inconsistent, and besides I had been having "good" contractions for weeks without progress. I finally got in the bed around 10:30 that night and text my mom telling her I was confused because my contractions weren't consistent but I was feeling a lot of pressure and thought labor may be soon.  I tried to lay down and every 20 minutes or so I would have a really strong contraction, I woke Michael up and asked him to get me some water, this was around 11:45, when he came back his mom came in the room and said she would lay on the floor so Michael could sleep in case he did have to get up for work at 4:00, and she would help me if needed, I had a contraction in front of her and she convinced me to call my doctor, so I did, but felt silly because I couldn't really even say I was having consistent contractions, and I didn't feel like it was it and feared Michael calling in for a false alarm. I got on the phone and darn it my doctor wasn't on call.... I felt like I wanted to be Katherine Heigl from knocked up, I wanted to take a bath and wait for him to be on call, but babies don't wait.  He had a doctor join his practice that week and this was her first week on call, we exchanged a few words I told her I was planning on natural and she told me she was calling the hospital and worse case scenario they would just send me home but she thought I should atleast be checked, so I agreed I would make the hour drive and atleast see. We got up and collected our things I had more and more contractions come, it was beggining to feel like labor was starting, I laid down with my first baby for a few minutes and shed a few tears, because I didn't want to leave him behind, once I finally got up and decided to leave, when we got in the car I text my mom as my contractions were coming every 3 minutes and the pressure was unreal. Me and Michael prayed for us to make it safely because this was changing fast, and just like that we hit the bay way and nothing, Michael looked at me once we got off the interstate and said your not having anymore, but I had already noticed, I was looking at the clock trying to imagine I was having a contraction but, no nothing... I took the opportunity to take out the flash cards I had began making months ago, I put verses on one side and my prayers for the delivery, Leon and me on the other side. I read them over and over the weeks leading up and prayed and prayed. When we arrived to the hospital I walked in no problem and went to the desk to fill out paperwork before the maternity ward would come get me, I answered her questions and signed papers and laughed at her jokes, and remember still feeling silly because I knew she didn't think I was in labor, and I feared I wasn't either... The woman from labor and delivery finally came and got us I still wasn't having contractions, once we got in a room we met our nurse and got changed I started having contractions again here and there I finally got in the bed around 1:45 AM for her to check me and she told me I was 4cm and completely effaced, that was progress! I had been 2cm and 20% effaced the previous week so she said they would keep me considering I was 4 days over and she felt my water was going to break at any moment. Over the next hour my mom, dad and oldest sister came in to say hello, my mom talked me through a few contractions and man did they hurt but I would still have 10 and 15 minute breaks, then have two right on top of each other then a break again, I truly thought that I would be in labor on into the next day because I still wasn't having consistent contractions. My dad went to get food around three and I told Michael I didn't want to smell anything so we planned he would step out and eat it, well Leon had other plans, after they took michaels ordered I decided I wanted to be checked again so the nurse came in and checked me and said I was a 6 maybe more but she couldn't accurately see because she didn't want to break my water, that was around 3:30 AM, everyone had cleared out, I finally felt like I was doing it even though my contractions still had not been consistent but I had some that where going off the chart and I guess they were getting the Job done. At 4:20 AM I was complaining of a lot of pressure so the nurse checked me again I was 8cm, I asked her if I would make it to 6:00 AM so my doctor could deliver him and she laughed and said oh baby you won't make it to then, she told me she was going to call the on call doctor in because it would be soon, at 4:30 my water broke, I told Michael I could feel him coming and man I wasn't lying, the nurse came in and kept telling me to wait to push that the doctor would be in soon, but I kept telling her I wasn't trying but that he was coming, the doctor came in around 4:40 AM, she was asking me some questions, we made some decisions about how I wanted to push and what would happen after delivery. My dad popped in I guess to tell us Michael's food was there, I'm not really sure, but I hollered dad I'm fixing to push and boy was I, he turned around and let's just say Michael never are his Waffle House. I finally told her he is coming and she okay let's see so she counted to ten and I pushed and his head was out, then to ten again and started counting a third time but he was out before she finished! He didn't get to come to my chest like I wanted because I apparently make the shortest umbilical cords ever, so she held him down at my waste until the cord stop pulsing and then he was all mine! I was in awe I couldn't stop awing over what had just taken place! I could have never imagined birth could be so easy! The nurse leaned over and said you're a rockstar, you just delivered a baby better then most people who get epidurals! 

She and our baby nurse and even who ended up being our doctor were wonderful and really answers to prayers, they supported and respected us the whole way through. We got to enjoy our little Leon for the next two hours and then big brother got to meet him, he walked in and said hey mama, hey baby like he knew exactly who he was coming to meet! After him the grandparents and then the siblings got to enjoy him and our doctor made a appearance about 3 hours to late but he did still come by to see our sweet little Leon and of course Braylon was excited to see him too! We stayed until the next morning and then were able To go home! My doctor told me before we left that he still couldn't believe I had the baby like that when I did, he said  he could have sworn I had  another week! I guess that explains all his talks about how some woman go to 42 weeks the last few visits:) overall it was great birth and was such answers to prayers! I was blown away by the ease and really never would have thought I would have a easy birth like that, I know it's very well that could have been my experience without all the praying and scriptures I memorized but I owe it all to Jesus. I know he had us in his hands and I know that he listened and saw every desire in my heart. Leon I didn't know what my world was missing without you here, I didn't know the love I would feel or the overwhelming joy you and your brother could bring me. Thank you sweet son for being you! I can't wait to get to know you more and more each day! I love the adventure you, your brother and daddy bring to my life! 

Second Best

My sweet second son, there isn't any way around it, you're the second. Your precious older brother has been mine for two years now, but never think you are second to any one. You are mine. My son. My love. In the perfect place in His perfect timing. I prayed for you and ask God to send me exactly who the world needed and I know that's why he sent me you, Leon. We decided we would name you Leon back when we were pregnant with your brother and for months before I became pregnant with you, your daddy would ask me if I was ready for Leon.... We knew in our hearts that God would give us you Leon, it was just a matter of his timing. So here I am pregnant with my second, pregnant with the second best, but don't confuse that to being second to anyone or that better came before you, you're special, loved and for months we pray for you knowing that our hearts wanted you. You're my second and you're the best. Let me explain to you why second really is the best, you see when I became pregnant with your older brother I was young, naive and didn't really know what motherhood would be. I let others opinions effect me, I questioned myself in the beginning and sometimes didn't feel good enough... But that isn't the mother you or your brother deserve so you know what... I found myself, my little stitch in motherhood and you get to come into the world to a mother who is proud of herself, I'm confident in the ways I will take care of you and I know without a doubt that my intentions for you, though they may not always be right they are always the best. Your brother has set the path for you, he's matured this mama of yours, he's given me mini heart attacks, kept me awake at night, and filled my heart in places I didn't know exsisted. When I found out I would have you I couldn't stop crying for weeks because this was my second time, I knew those places in my heart, I had found them and embraced them and have already placed you there.  I know of the little smile that will soon keep me awake at night. The cries that will make my heart ache, and the giggles you and your daddy will share. Most importantly I know the gift of a sibling, I sit here and watch your sweet older brother sleep and I can't quite explain to him that your on your way and that you will love him the way only a sibling can, the way only a little brother can and in the same way he will love you.  

Me and your daddy love you so much, we are so blessed to call you our second, to call you our son and to call you Leon. 

I am so thankful that God sent me Braylon to help me find myself in this journey of motherhood, that he sent you a big brother that is loving and compassionate and smart, that he was thinking of you even though he sent Braylon two years before you, I am thankful that God has sent me you Leon as my second son, that already your sweet little personality captivates my heart, that you will continue to soften my heart and make it grow. I am thankful for both of my boys and the places they hold in my heart and in my soul.  I am excited I welcome you in the next few weeks, but for now I just want you to know though you're second, you're the best, most precious of gifts that God has allowed me to be given so please always remember you're perfect and in His perfect timing! 

Give Me Grace

I didn't talk to my father today. It's the start of tax season and between now and April 15th we sometimes have to make visits to the office for a little time with him.  He facetimed WB yesterday and I spoke with him Sunday for a brief moment when he told me to make sure he got to see his boy while he was busy doing taxes. Being a mother has taught me something in each aspect of my life. It changed how I look at every relationship in my life, but the one that blows my mind the most is the child/parent relationship. Diving into Motherhood, to me was much more spiritual than I would have ever believed. God gives you this baby and you all of sudden realize that He's the only one that is going to get you through it. I remember with WB a second didn't go by during my pregnancy that I wasn't completely consumed by the thought of him. I prayed over him all day and would call out his organs from the top of his head to the sole of his feet. I prayed that God would give him health, happiness and prosperity. I spoke life over him over and over and over again. Then he was born and as he grew and the days got longer and busier, my head would sometimes hit the pillow without a prayer. This poor second baby, though the conception was very much prayed for, the morning sickness hit and the exhaustion and the having a 21 month old who's world consist of jumping and playing and running and laughing, well regretfully sometimes I forget to throw those prayers in the day, and other times they consist of thank you Jesus for this Child, I pray you knit him perfectly in my womb. Short and sweet. But back to my father, there are times that I really feed our relationship with conversation and time, and there are days that I am busy being a mother and a wife and he knows that and doesn't love me any less... This is something that God has opened my heart up to as a mother. There are times that I really feed my relationship with God, Thank him and love him and praise him. There are times I tell him I can't do this life without him, that I can't catch WB every time he decides to dive off the couch, that I need him to catch him and protect him. There are times that I speak life over my family and begged God to use us in better ways, but there are also times that I am worn down and tired and that as soon as I lay down I go to sleep. I have so valuably learned that God gives me Grace!! My Heavenly Father loves me in a lot of the same ways my earthly father loves me. I know if I forget to call my dad for one day or even two he will love me the same... He would be here If I needed him, he would do whatever in his might to protect, comfort, love and defend me, all I would have to do is ask. My Heavenly Father is the same, the Bible says that God will never forsake you. Here is the proof.... Deuteronomy 31:7 " Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" 

That doesn't say if you don't say your bedtime prayers, it doesn't say if you don't specifically ask, it says YOUR God will NEVER leave nor forsake you. And I'm telling you I've learned this and  I know God gives us grace.  Ephesians 4:7 " But to each one of us, Grace has been given as Christ apportioned it"

The meaning of grace is "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings." Now don't get me wrong, time with your father is important if you don't invest time, communication or effort then eventually the relationship would trickle out and you would be left with an awkward non rewarding relationship, the same goes for our Heavenly Father it is sooo important to set time aside time for the Man who has given us so much, who really has given us EVERYTHING, it is important to thank him, praise him and grow in him, but my point is that Because of the times I do set aside for him I am confident when I say God knows my heart, he hears my heart even when it's not crying out. He knows I need him to protect my babies, he knows that I praise him for all of my blessings, he knows that I love him more than anything in this world that without him I have nothing. I know that he gives me grace on the nights that I am a tired mama and he knows I love him and I know He loves me. Thank you God for your grace. 

Ps, God is by the way perfectly knitting this baby in my womb:) 

Your second Christmas

I can't believe another year has come and gone. I can't believe we are already celebrating your second Christmas and soon your second Birthday. Today was filled with wonder and love like any day is filled with when it's spent with you. It's your second Christmas, and also the second year in a roll that your hard working daddy has had to work. To be honest it makes my day seem unorganized, incomplete and like something is missing, even though I am so blessed to spend it with you, it will never be complete without daddy there and I know you to would have enjoyed him there today. We started the celebration last night on Christmas Eve, Gigi, pawpaw, Uncle Justin and Peyton came over when daddy got off. We arte roast and then the fun began after we put you in your adorable button down pajamas, (man you were cute) and put the cookies in the oven for Santa, we opened gifts from Gigi and Uncle Justin. Uncle Justin got you a tonka dump truck  a (dumf tru, in your words) it was your favorite until you opened your tools and work bench and then you hammered away and gabbed away about all the work you were having to do!! That was your favorite until you opened your pots and pans from mama and daddy and then you hmm and yummed over some delish food that you made. I pretty much think you are the sweetest and cutest little boy that I have ever laid eyes on and of course you play pretend cuter than any other child born before you. After Gigi and them left, Daddy read me and you the night before Christmas and the Bible Christmas story. We said our goodnights and went to settle down, daddy went to sleep and I was up with you, you would flip to your belly and back to lay on your back and then back to your belly. I sat there thinking about Mary, how it must have felt to be the mother of Jesus, the love she must have felt for him, how she probably laid him on her chest after delivery and touched his fingers and his toes. That she was his mother, and loved him so. I think about God and how he sent his only son, and I know he loved him in the only way I can imagine and that's how I love my son and he sent him to die for me? Let me tell you my sweet child this is a thought that puts me in awe and in tears because I know how much I love you and how my heart would ache if I ever had to send you away for any reason, but God loved us so much that he sent us Jesus, his only son, and Jesus loved us so much that he died so that me and you and anyone who asks for forgiveness to have eternal life. The plan and purpose in the story is beautiful it was Gods will and we get to be part of it and celebrate it and I hope you always know that this is truly what we celebrate. While I was still trying to get you to settle down and go to sleep I felt pressure to get back up so Santa could delivery his presents but I immediately felt guilty, I thought of how in the next few years you would get older and more excited with each year and harder to settle down on Christmas Eve, I thought about the wonder of a little boy the roars and jumps , the climbing and the throwing balls. You're my little boy, and you're a lot of boy in that little body but let me promise you I wouldn't trade you for the world. I love the verse that says. 

 (as it is written in the Law of the Lord,       "Every firstborn male is to be      consecrated to the Lord"),

 Luke 2:23 

I am blessed and priledged for my firstborn to be a son. That is you and you are special and an honor to our family! When we woke up today daddy had to go to work, and you played with your Santa presents for a little bit, I was sick, but every time I was able to leave the bathroom from throwing up I would catch a glimpse of you playing with your train, and I'm telling you the joy you have in the ordinary things makes life for me extraordinary.  I finally started to feel better and we went to Gamma and Da's to open presents with your cousins and you had a wonderful time playing with them. We had breakfast and Uncle Stephen lead us in Communion, this was a first for us and something Aunt Aryn asked that we do, Christmas was a perfect day to remember the body and blood that Jesus shed for us. We spent the rest of the day playing and you looking for the next persons hand you could grab and convince to take you outside. We went to Gigi's later in the day to get our stockings and she gave your mama a very sweet gift. I am very blessed to have her and so are you, as you are everyone in our families. Your Gigi, Gamma and Da invest so much into you and the love they give you is irreplaceable. When we finally got home from our long day, we hit the baseball on your new tee with daddy and made beautiful "art" on your  Easel. We finally settled down which was much easier tonight after such a long day. I just have one last thing to tell you, Merry Christmas sweet boy, me and your daddy love you so very much, it is hard to explain the wonder, joy and love you bring to our family. I am excited for the next year and how we will grow as a family and all of the wonderful things we will be blessed to celebrate.  

Someone else's best friend.

Someone's post caught my attention the other day, they were a second time mom whom was announcing they were having a girl "a best friend for life" and I thought to myself wait your boy can't be your best friend!?! I realized something harsh and vital to my motherhood. My little sister always kids that me and WB are BFFs, because of our bond, I mean really, we have lunch together, like everyday, we watch movies together, play together and occasionally take selfies. This is the true definition of best friends forever, but the truth is my best friend was filled many years ago, over a decade ago to be exact. My best friend is his father, the man who made me a mother, the man that will be with me before, during and after children, support me and love me through motherhood. The man that will one day snuggle up with me in our empty nest. So I will keep him as my best friend because though the future can make my heart feel like it's ripping in half I know that I am a mother of a boy. The reality is that I am raising someone else's best friend. I am responsible for the kind of best friend he will one day be, the relationship I have with his father will be reflected by him and the relationship he has with me will be reflected to his wife. My mom has told me on numerous times how important it is to marry a man that loves his mother unconditionally, and I know without a doubt I married a man that yearns to do better for his mother, who has cried at the thought of all his mother sacrificed for him. I know that same love he has for her, he also has for me, and because his mom was loyal to him he is loyal to me. I know that raising my son to have this same love for me it will one day be reflected in his relationship with his best friend, his bride. Though she will be the ruler of his heart I will have to step down and accept that I raised him to love, support and cherish his bride, that I put in all the hours and work and that I will have to give him over to another woman, but I will have to know that she is not just a woman but instead his best friend, the woman that I prayed for, for years and years, a woman that God set aside for him. One day I will be walked down the aisle by one of his college buddies, probably not even noticed, then I will dance to a song that he probably didn't even pick out but instead his beautiful bride, and as harsh as it seems I will have to realize that just like me and Michael have built us a life, I will enjoy watching him do the same with his best friend, but I hope she realizes and understands that I once snuggled him for hours a day, cried when he fell or when he was sad and I couldn't fix it, that I wiped his butt and taught him to use the potty, and that I love him unconditionally. I hope she realizes that even though he has a best friend that isn't me, that it won't mean I won't have times of feeling envious or less than, that it won't be easy for me even though I'm sure I will love them both more than I can imagine, especially one day when they give me grandchildren.  I hope I am treated with respect for what I am in his life, because being his mother will never be taken from me and I will much rather be that than be best friends. Most importantly I hope that she will one day understand what it feels like to raise someone else's best friend and she will cut me some slack.  

To my mother in law, I hope you know how much I appreciate you raising my best friend. I love you for it, you have taught me so much! 

Oh Mama

A few weeks ago my mom and I were able to be present for my sister's labor and the birth of my first niece. During her labor my mom and I had stepped out when my mom said something along the lines of "birth is so neat, it changes how you look at everything, but especially your mama" I had never given much thought to it but it made me think back on my own birth as I emerged into motherhood, at the time I really went back and forth on who I wanted present, I felt torn between wanting intimacy of only me and Michael as we became a family, but my heart knew it wanted my mama there, my heart also couldn't steal the opportunity from Michael's mother as she would get to be apart of her first grandchild's birth. I knew in my heart that I was her opportunity, my mother had daughter galore for birthing experiences but I knew that my mother in law Heather had two sons, so right then I was the only one who could give her that gift. So I did, I shared the experience with probably two of the most vital and important mothers in my life. The two mothers that 20 and some years ago made this possible. So there I was in labor and what did I say atleast a thousand times! "Oooooh mama" I felt such a connection to her, I felt such a connection to what she had told me it would be like and I dreamed of that moment that I would meet my baby, she kept saying "you're going to meet your baby" and such a joy he brought me when we finally met. I felt really tired, but it was such a surreal feeling being a mother. What I know now, I thought I loved him in that moment but as we got to know one another and I realized he loved me too, my world was his. No one will ever come close to the amount of love I have for him, but more amazingly I will never be loved by someone else they way he loves me. They way he loves me for being his mother.  Becoming a mother did change the way I look at everything, all of sudden I looked at my husband with different eyes, I remember the first week I cried ALOT because I wanted Michael to quit his job so he could stay with us forever, I remember feeling so in love with him, I just thought he was beautiful, ever time I looked at him I would think he helped me create this baby. It was like God had washed me white as snow and there was no wrong in this world,  But that wasn't  always the case as time went on, you realize that people say hurtful things to you, make you feel less than, you realize that some people forget what it's like. You realize that baby's fall and get hurt and you worry yourself sick watching them sleep, you realize that you stay up all through the night waiting for fevers to break or rubbing gums and rocking a miserable teething baby, being a mom is rough, sometimes you feel alone, you feel judged, you regret things, worry over things but you also realize that your mother did the same for you, she took disgruntled remarks about her children or made tough decisions, you realize that she did the best she could, but most importantly you realized that she loves you with every once of her being. I know how much God has blessed me and Michael both with mothers that would go to the ends of the world for us. I find kindred spirits with them because I know not to many years ago they were loving us the best and most they knew how. I love you Mama, thank you so much for loving me and showing me how to be a loving mother to my son, I know it's because of you that I love him and Michael so much! 

Happy Birthday!

Where are you going

There have been few times in my life that I had to scream out for Gods help but I can't even begin to count the times I have under my breath. At those times in my life I have also had times of asking "where are you God?" And This breaks my heart to even be writing it. I feel like I disgrace him by evening questioning the HOLY SPIRIT. But what I've learned is sometimes he answers immediately and sometimes it takes time for God to reveal to us where he is in a situation. I have to wonder in some of these times if God is asking me "where are you?" Or better yet "where are you going from here?". At a rather young age of 16 I watched a very dear friend of ours lose her baby boy, I don't mean emotionally I mean I watched as her sweet son went to be with Jesus, I remember holding her older son who was only 18 months himself in the street in front of their house. I still had faith as we watched the helicopter land in their yard. This just wasn't something that happened and I couldn't grasp it. We clung close the following days and even months and even years as I think of that day often. I remember me, my mom and sister who had also been present, just standing and holding each other and crying in the kitchen one night. No matter how much it seemed our hearts would burst at any given time from the pain, we had such a beautiful example to learn from, the mother of this sweet boy. I can't tell you what I have learned from her over the years, as she has become the mother of many, but I can look at her family and I can tell you where God is.... He is in her, in her children and in her husband. He is in her smile and her ability to wake up everyday admit her faults but to except Gods grace and mercy, he is there in her longing to be with him and with her son again. He is there. I don't know why that sweet baby had to leave so soon or why it seems God doesn't immediately hear us when we call, but I know he reveals himself to us and let's us know we aren't alone in our pain and suffering. I recently was in a similar situation, I found myself with all of my might holding my sister up while she labored, our hands laced at some points, I breathed in holding my breath, pushing with her. I remember my brother in laws face as his eyes were filled with tears. This baby needed to come then, I had not quite ever seen a birth like this. I've watched a lot of birth stories as well as been to a few live ones too. It was real and it was scary. When the baby finally came out and rested against my sisters stomach she wasn't breathing, me and my sister starting calling her name, "Ellison!! Ellison!!" "Jesus help us" I could hear my mother in the background crying and begging. I remember thinking to myself such a selfish thought. Why me God? Why would you put me here again? Why do I have to see this again? Then I begin to think maybe my negative thoughts and lack of faith had a role in it? But I immediately snapped out of it and I told him he was all I had, and at the mercy and grace of him she begin to cry and look for her mama. She is beautiful, a miracle, A testimony. God showed up and revealed himself immediately when we called for him. He showed us his mercy and his grace. I know my sister will tell her about her testimony, the struggle she had to come here and that she will move mountains because of it. To God be the glory, for I learned from these situations I am at his mercy, but to him be the glory, sometimes we hurt and struggle and we have to call out to him and when we wonder where he is, he is there, he is inside of us, ( I hope he is, if not you can contact me and I will help you learn how to have him inside of you) my older sister and I talked after the birth and she said what do you think it's like when you're put in a situation like that and you haven't got God to call out to, and I know this much, he fills every void and misunderstanding I have, he is peace  and he overwhelmes me with his grace because I am undeserving, yet he blesses me and makes me rich and whole. I know I haven't question him because he will never leave me or forsake me even in times of tragedy. He takes me to new places everyday and I will not grow comfortable, I need him where I am going and I know he will meet me there.