Where are you going

There have been few times in my life that I had to scream out for Gods help but I can't even begin to count the times I have under my breath. At those times in my life I have also had times of asking "where are you God?" And This breaks my heart to even be writing it. I feel like I disgrace him by evening questioning the HOLY SPIRIT. But what I've learned is sometimes he answers immediately and sometimes it takes time for God to reveal to us where he is in a situation. I have to wonder in some of these times if God is asking me "where are you?" Or better yet "where are you going from here?". At a rather young age of 16 I watched a very dear friend of ours lose her baby boy, I don't mean emotionally I mean I watched as her sweet son went to be with Jesus, I remember holding her older son who was only 18 months himself in the street in front of their house. I still had faith as we watched the helicopter land in their yard. This just wasn't something that happened and I couldn't grasp it. We clung close the following days and even months and even years as I think of that day often. I remember me, my mom and sister who had also been present, just standing and holding each other and crying in the kitchen one night. No matter how much it seemed our hearts would burst at any given time from the pain, we had such a beautiful example to learn from, the mother of this sweet boy. I can't tell you what I have learned from her over the years, as she has become the mother of many, but I can look at her family and I can tell you where God is.... He is in her, in her children and in her husband. He is in her smile and her ability to wake up everyday admit her faults but to except Gods grace and mercy, he is there in her longing to be with him and with her son again. He is there. I don't know why that sweet baby had to leave so soon or why it seems God doesn't immediately hear us when we call, but I know he reveals himself to us and let's us know we aren't alone in our pain and suffering. I recently was in a similar situation, I found myself with all of my might holding my sister up while she labored, our hands laced at some points, I breathed in holding my breath, pushing with her. I remember my brother in laws face as his eyes were filled with tears. This baby needed to come then, I had not quite ever seen a birth like this. I've watched a lot of birth stories as well as been to a few live ones too. It was real and it was scary. When the baby finally came out and rested against my sisters stomach she wasn't breathing, me and my sister starting calling her name, "Ellison!! Ellison!!" "Jesus help us" I could hear my mother in the background crying and begging. I remember thinking to myself such a selfish thought. Why me God? Why would you put me here again? Why do I have to see this again? Then I begin to think maybe my negative thoughts and lack of faith had a role in it? But I immediately snapped out of it and I told him he was all I had, and at the mercy and grace of him she begin to cry and look for her mama. She is beautiful, a miracle, A testimony. God showed up and revealed himself immediately when we called for him. He showed us his mercy and his grace. I know my sister will tell her about her testimony, the struggle she had to come here and that she will move mountains because of it. To God be the glory, for I learned from these situations I am at his mercy, but to him be the glory, sometimes we hurt and struggle and we have to call out to him and when we wonder where he is, he is there, he is inside of us, ( I hope he is, if not you can contact me and I will help you learn how to have him inside of you) my older sister and I talked after the birth and she said what do you think it's like when you're put in a situation like that and you haven't got God to call out to, and I know this much, he fills every void and misunderstanding I have, he is peace  and he overwhelmes me with his grace because I am undeserving, yet he blesses me and makes me rich and whole. I know I haven't question him because he will never leave me or forsake me even in times of tragedy. He takes me to new places everyday and I will not grow comfortable, I need him where I am going and I know he will meet me there. 

My Mothers Eyes.

When I was near the end of my pregnancy someone asked me if I hoped WB would have blue eyes like me. It dawned on me that I had not had the thought of what I hoped he would get from me, I knew he would be handsome like his daddy, we could tell that from the ultra sounds but I had never put much thought into what I hoped I would pass to him.  My mother has blue eyes and her mother had blue eyes. When WB was born he had the newborn blue eyes but they became more crystal blue and looked more like mine. My mom use to say she felt like she was looking grandma Johnson in the eyes when she looked at him. He has such soul in his eyes, you can hear his laughter looking in his eyes without even hearing him laugh. One time someone was trying their best to describe my mom when they said she laughs more at her own jokes than anyone else's, my mom getting tickled at the punch line before she even gets it out  is prime example, but her laugh is contagious, it is healing and priceless, just like my sons. She use to kid me and say I had to have 5 kids to have a blonde hair blue eyed girl, I don't really care if WBs eyes change even though they are still as blue as mine, because I know he has gotten so much more than blue eyes from me. I know I am impatient and moody sometimes and sometimes, okay a lot of the time I say dumb things, but I also know this, I am happy... Truly happy and I know I pass that on to my son, I like the sound of my laughter and I don't think that's conceited, I think it keeps me sane and my skin thick and I'm 100% okay with passing my laughter on to him. I can laugh at myself, and in today's world that's important, sometimes laughing breaks the tension. I am loving and free and my heart really can be broken easily but I will also teach him that it is okay to be sensitive but to not let the world walk over him but I hope that the good that can come from me doesn't have to be taught but can be seen, so often you hear parents accuse their parents or say they will never do things like them, or they are afraid of becoming them, but I am not, though like me my mother is impatient or sometimes misunderstood, she is beautiful and gracious. I am not afraid of becoming her because she showed me good and taught me good and I became me not her, I look in the mirror and I see my mothers eyes and I am reminded of who she hoped I would become and I know I make her proud, I hope I can do the same for WB, that when he looks in the mirror he sees my eyes and is reminded of who I am and that I am and will always be proud of who he is. 

" I've watch it over the years grow and grow. 

 I've seen it and all it has to show. 

I am Amazed in its glory, amazed at it's knowledge. 

I see It is giving, and willing, and so full of heritage. 

It has Beauty and patience

It is a Teacher, caregiver,  a cook of brilliance. 

It can be Fragile and sensitive but strong and willed. 

I laid next to it and then upon it and then I left with my part of it. 

I was invested in it, 

Prayed for and stored there. 

I was given hope from it, and peace. I was overwhelmed with loved that was offered and shared from it. 

I have watched the broken tears fall from it, the happy tears stream from it. I have watched it kiss a grandchild's face 

I have seen it sick and frail but I have seen it rise above and hold it's place. 

I have seen it question and guilt itself.  Blame itself. I have seen it love kids that weren't its own, I have seen it love antiques, whatnots and golden books that fill the shelf.

I have heard it's stories, every beat, every beat of it's stories....

I have seen the things it is capable of. I have seen it beat.  Please oh please tell me you know, tell me you have witness, that you have held the pulse of my mothers soft hands? That you know my mothers heart? I have and I always will. I do everyday, because it beats inside of me."

 

Happy Mother's Day 

To my one and only. 

I am thankful God chose you as my mother, I love you. 

 

William Braylon

Dear William Braylon, 

Today I celebrate you, today I want you to know and feel exactly how special you are to me. You have been mine for 21 months, 9 of those you spent in my belly, growing, and I prayed then what I still pray over you now, for you to be happy, healthy and prosperous.  God has heard my prayers, as you have been these things. Your smile is the light to my world, the light to my day. The light to my every minute. I want you to know that because of you, me and your daddy love each other more deeply and wholly. We don't ever want you to wonder if we love one another or you, for we love you more than you will ever know. EVERYWHERE you go a little piece of me will always go with you, because you are my heart, without you it wouldn't beat, you make our hearts beat with joy. God has blessed me so much to making it possible for me to spend my days with you, and I assure you every second of this year has been filled with cuddles, kisses, giggles and love. It makes me so sad to think how quickly we have come to your first birthday, but God is good son, and the future is promising and I am excited for me and your father to enjoy parenting you for all the years to come. I know today will only be another day to your little soul, but today is so much more to this mama of yours, so please be patient with me as I randomly cry at the amounts of love I have for you. Please be patient as I look back to all the memories from this past year of your first smile, and giggle, how I stayed up all night the night you turned one month old because I missed you when I slept, your first roll, and swim, the first time you got a booboo, or how you cried in the car seat and broke my heart so I cried with you. The memories of all the nights watching you snuggle up close to your daddy, or watching you light up when your da walked in the room, or how you like to rub your big cousins hair, or give you little cousin a kiss. I will look back to the first timed you crawled and when I realized you had gotten your first tooth, the pure joy I felt every new word you said, today I will reflect on how much you've changed and grown here recently, of how your Gigi taught you to high five and the excitement she felt and how cute you knew you were giving them to her, of how you throw your head back when you sit on gammas lap because you know she always plays games with you, how you chased me around the living room trying to eat all of my BBQ, or how you feel like you have to laugh at the tv when me and daddy do, how you say bababa when I lay you down to change your diaper  because you want me to sing baba black sheep. There is so much love in all of these things, so much joy and so much happiness. As I watch you begin to take your first steps and plan your birthday party I know that God has blessed me in such incredible way by allowing me to mother you. I love you son, I love you, I love you, I love you. Happy First Birthday. 

Threads

Marrying Michael has brought many things to my life, a sense of being, a completion, and most importantly a family. If God chose to never give me another blessing I would be blessed beyond measure with what I have already been given. When I met Michael years ago, I met his grandfather, Mr. William "Billy" Croom, but he has never been that to me, from the start he has always been Pawpaw, every holiday, celebration and birthday this man has treated me as one of his own, long before he even knew I would become one of his own, he even signs my birthday cards with the loving tradition of "wdyl?" (who do you love?). When I was pregnant with WB I spent most of my days sick and with pawpaw, every morning he would knock on the door to check on me and even on some occasions, when I was very sick he would get me a cold rag, help me off the bathroom floor and get me to the couch. He cared for me even though I wasn't technically his grandchild. His love for his grandchildren, including me is unconditional and I know that no matter where me and michaels life may take us that pawpaw would help in anyway he could. A pawpaw is a gift, a gift that  without Michael I wouldn't understand, my grandmother was ill all of the 6 years of my life that she was in it, my grandmother to me is my mother's and older siblings memories of her, my grandmother is pictures and stories, she is a old wooden house in Flomation, Alabama. She is old bells in my mothers china cabinet, she is a old pin holder that looks like a tomatoe. I barely  have my own memories of her, but she was already gone by the time I could remember her. I love her deeply and how I wish I knew her. My grandfather on the other hand died before I ever was thought of, but he to me is a old yellow recliner, he is fried chicken. He is my brothers face and structure. He is so many special things that I never truly got to know. My dads father passed away before my own father even got to know him, however I was blessed with beautiful threading even though I didn't get to see the start of the spool. But with Michaels family I have gotten to spend years with the threading that was placed in my child and will be my future children. Michaels Great Grandma Croom passed away this morning, and how happy I am that I got to know this beautiful lady who has inspired me so much. she raised 12 amazing children, unlike any other family I have ever seen. At Christmas time when the family was together I saw one of pawpaws sisters kiss him on the cheek, I immediately knew in my heart that I wanted to raise children like this, I want WB to know that kind of long lasting unconditional love. I want to set them apart and teach them value and love in each other. I want them to all come together and be there for one another all the way into their 70s and beyond. Grandma Croom was sponky and sharp unlike any woman I have every met, a week before she made her way to heaven, she called me by name when I walked in her room, even though I haven't been in her family long and she held my hand and told me that I was doing a good job with WB, and that she loved me, and while I'm sure she told everyone she loved them that came to see her that week, it meant so much to me that she, a woman I thought had done such a good job was telling me I was. Being a mother is hard especially at the times you feel judged for the kind that you are, but from her it felt like such a compliment, so reassuring, I cried, I didn't want to lose her, I was going to miss taking WB by to see her and letting her see his new milestones, but I cried more because I knew how much her children loved her, and how I hope WB loves me that much. I cried because I love my mother and one day I will have to tell her see you later,  and I won't want to, even if she is 96. I cried because God has put this family in my life, and they have taught me so much. I will always treasure her and her opinion and I hope one day I am able to tell WB what a special woman she was and how excited over him she had been waiting for him to arrive and oh how she loved her 5th generation baby once he had arrived! WB spent a lot their firsts together and we will miss her a lot on his first birthday, but I am so thankful that they were able to meet. What a legacy she left behind  with so many beautifully made families, including my own, I am privileged to be apart of it. WB will one day be my legacy, when I stare at my child I can not put into words the adoration and love I feel for him, he is so beautifully threaded and perfect. He is loved by so many and such a joy. I hope that I raise him to appreciate who he has come from. I love you son, with every once of my being, you were beautifully and perfectly woven in my womb and don't ever, ever let someone make you feel less! 

365 Days

 What was in the 365 days of 2013?

365 days of Marriage. 

 Some of those 365 days were filled with aggravation, some of those days were fill with angry or sadness. But all 365 of those days were filled with love for my husband, joy in my marriage, those days were filled with understanding that every second of everyday wouldnt always be marital bliss but that every night I laid beside him aggravated or not and that my heart would swell with happiness and pride that he is my husband. It was 365 days of learning, learning to trust, forgive, communicate, learning marriage and learning my husband. 

346 days in our home. 

346 days of remembering to pay this bill and that bill, 346 days of cleaning and learning how to maintain a home, decorate a home, and keep a happy home

346 days of sleeping in our bed in OUR home and learning what a blessing it is to  know a home.

94 days pregnant. I spent 94 days rubbing my belly, growing a baby, 

Feeling him move, I spent 94 days of last year becoming humbled by the greatest blessing God had ever trusted me with. 

365 days as a sister, daughter and daughterinlaw. 

I spent days learning how I fit in as a daughterinlaw and trying to become a loving/ selfless daughterinlaw , I spent days trying to become the sister I would be proud to have and I became a daughter that realized my parents are precious and I haven't spent nearly enough time with them for the past few years. 

271 days as a family. 

For 271 days I have had a love for Michael that I didn't realize I would ever have, if someone tried to explain the love I have for him now that he is the father of my child, I wouldn't have been able to understand. Every morning he gives me a kiss and I have yet to understand why I deserve his selfless and unconditional love. When we wrap our arms around WB together and declare a "family hug" the joy in our hearts and on his face gives me the best understand of family that I will ever come close to grasping. Michael and I get the joy of raising him and building a family not only for us but for him. We get to fill future years with traditions and special days just like we have gotten the blessing of doing this year. 

271 days as a mother. 

This has been the most wonderful days of any year ever, they have been perfect. I have spent those days holding and nurturing our sweet son, I have spent those days putting him to sleep or getting to watch his father put him to sleep. I have gotten to enjoy him and every second of everyday since he has been here, he is a part of my heart, a part of my soul, he is a little piece of me and a little piece of Michael. He is so smart and perfect, and fun to love, he is our purpose. 

365 days in reality. 

I don't live in a fantasy world 

, nor would I want anyone to think that, me and Michael fight and argue, we have had our feelings really hurt this year and I'm sure we have hurt some feelings, we have gone through times of feeling alone. We have had to make decisions that we didn't know the best answer to. We have hard days and good days, but I know in my heart at the end of everyday no matter the day, that I have spent 365 days of 2013 blessed. I have spent each day choosing to see the hard working, loving, amazing husband that I have, that I have spent each day in awe of my sweet baby boy and consumed by his love, I have spent everyday trying to see the good in things and while some days it was hard to not let others steal my joy, I have made it, 365 days with  a reason to smile, a reason to praise God and a reason to look forward to the next 365 days:) 

Our First Christmas Together.

Before this day is long ago and nothing but a distant memory I want WB to know exactly how special this day was. I would like to tell him that early this morning before the sun ever rose he laid so perfectly between me and his daddy, that he was wearing red pajamas and it seemed to make his fluffy little cheeks look a little rosier than usual. That when I went to put him in the car that his eyes seemed a little bluer today than yesterday and they had a sparkle that made me fall even more in love with his sweet little soul. I would like him to know that he couldn't stand himself when his Da wouldn't put the dish down and just hold him, I would tell him that me and all his aunts and uncles gave his Da tickets to the US open and that his Da cried with appreciation and joy. That I love how much he loves his Da and how he doesn't even know the wisdom he is yet to teach him. I would tell him how his daddy is so hard working and had to work on Christmas Day, but that he text me all day long wanting To see pictures of exactly what you were doing. That he told us he loved us and missed us. And how We missed him too. I want you to know I cried several times throughout the day because it just didn't seem fair for daddy to have to miss it. I want to tell you that we went to see your Great Great Grandma Croom. That she isn't doing well but was so excited to see you. I want to tell you I saw your aunt Mary Jane sneak on kiss on your pawpaws cheek and it made me admire Grandma Croom and the siblings she had raised. It made me think to the future and the siblings I hope to give you. I want you to know that I cried on the way home because I wish so badly that me and you both could know Grandma Johnson, I cried because I love that me and your daddy were able to bring you into so many grands and greats, uncles and aunts, that you know so much love and bring such joy. I cried because I simply feel so blessed to be your mama. I want you to know that when your daddy came home even though I was dissappinted by how little of time our family got to spend together with just us, that my heart skipped a beat because I love when your daddy is home for the night and we can be complete. I want you to know that today you were loved on by your Gigi, pawpaw, gamma, da, grandma Croom, your cousins and aunts and uncles but especially by your mama and daddy. I want you to know that not just today but everyday you have been ours I can't describe the joy you bring to our lives. That I cry as I write this because my heart hurts from the amount of love I have for you and your daddy. I love you so much, you have blessed my world my beautiful babe. Merry First Christmas. 

He blesses us, for us to be blessed.

I write tonight with a heavy heart. A sad heart. A hurt heart. I write becuase I need an outlet from all the things I have running through my mind. I sometimes get mad at the vivid dreamer that I am because my dreams sometimes don't even allow me to rest from my worry. Yesterday was one of those days that was filled with things that you just wish you could avoid. The kind of days you just wish someone would ask you about your day so you could cry and tell them why you were upset. Yet yesterday was also one of those days that my thoughts didn't even makes sense. Something upset me, someone else's selfishness upset me, somethinng that doesn't even make a difference in my life, but yet made me furious that someone could be so simple minded. That out of all the things to be concerned with and this person is concerned with something so petty just because of want. It's hard to elaborate on the matter without saying point blank what upset me. So I will just leave it here because to be honest I still can't wrap my mind around the situation. Secondly I found out something very close to home, something again that I can't really talk about. It just wasn't a good day. I went to bed worried and I woke up worried. It sucks to worry and it also sucks to not know how something is going to turn out, but then today I was riding down the road which is often where I spend my time with God and I was just praying. My mom has said before that having a baby is spiritual and I don't know if having a baby made me appreciate the God that I serve or made me realize that I needed him more than ever or if it opened my heart to a whole other level of faith, but I feel God in a completely different way than I used to. I feel him and the peace that he gives. So today when I was driving and fretting over the issue at hand and praying I knew God was saying I didn't bring you here to abandon you, I didn't bless you to leave you behind, I will not forsake you and I will not leave you alone. I prayed these things at the exact spot that I didn't need God to leave me, he had put this on my heart months ago and he had provided that very need and I knew now he wasn't going to abandon my family there alone. He blessed us to be blessed not to be worried or afraid. Sometimes we have bad days but that's all that they are is bad days. God is the long run, He is the big picture and our provider, He is our God and I will worship him for everyday, even the bad ones because if I have something to worry about means that I have am blessed enough to have something in the first place. So tonight even though the devil wants to point an issue out to us, I go to sleep with peace because I know my God will take care of me and my family. I know that I won't have to worry because he will not leave us or forsake us.