Our First Christmas Together.

Before this day is long ago and nothing but a distant memory I want WB to know exactly how special this day was. I would like to tell him that early this morning before the sun ever rose he laid so perfectly between me and his daddy, that he was wearing red pajamas and it seemed to make his fluffy little cheeks look a little rosier than usual. That when I went to put him in the car that his eyes seemed a little bluer today than yesterday and they had a sparkle that made me fall even more in love with his sweet little soul. I would like him to know that he couldn't stand himself when his Da wouldn't put the dish down and just hold him, I would tell him that me and all his aunts and uncles gave his Da tickets to the US open and that his Da cried with appreciation and joy. That I love how much he loves his Da and how he doesn't even know the wisdom he is yet to teach him. I would tell him how his daddy is so hard working and had to work on Christmas Day, but that he text me all day long wanting To see pictures of exactly what you were doing. That he told us he loved us and missed us. And how We missed him too. I want you to know I cried several times throughout the day because it just didn't seem fair for daddy to have to miss it. I want to tell you that we went to see your Great Great Grandma Croom. That she isn't doing well but was so excited to see you. I want to tell you I saw your aunt Mary Jane sneak on kiss on your pawpaws cheek and it made me admire Grandma Croom and the siblings she had raised. It made me think to the future and the siblings I hope to give you. I want you to know that I cried on the way home because I wish so badly that me and you both could know Grandma Johnson, I cried because I love that me and your daddy were able to bring you into so many grands and greats, uncles and aunts, that you know so much love and bring such joy. I cried because I simply feel so blessed to be your mama. I want you to know that when your daddy came home even though I was dissappinted by how little of time our family got to spend together with just us, that my heart skipped a beat because I love when your daddy is home for the night and we can be complete. I want you to know that today you were loved on by your Gigi, pawpaw, gamma, da, grandma Croom, your cousins and aunts and uncles but especially by your mama and daddy. I want you to know that not just today but everyday you have been ours I can't describe the joy you bring to our lives. That I cry as I write this because my heart hurts from the amount of love I have for you and your daddy. I love you so much, you have blessed my world my beautiful babe. Merry First Christmas. 

He blesses us, for us to be blessed.

I write tonight with a heavy heart. A sad heart. A hurt heart. I write becuase I need an outlet from all the things I have running through my mind. I sometimes get mad at the vivid dreamer that I am because my dreams sometimes don't even allow me to rest from my worry. Yesterday was one of those days that was filled with things that you just wish you could avoid. The kind of days you just wish someone would ask you about your day so you could cry and tell them why you were upset. Yet yesterday was also one of those days that my thoughts didn't even makes sense. Something upset me, someone else's selfishness upset me, somethinng that doesn't even make a difference in my life, but yet made me furious that someone could be so simple minded. That out of all the things to be concerned with and this person is concerned with something so petty just because of want. It's hard to elaborate on the matter without saying point blank what upset me. So I will just leave it here because to be honest I still can't wrap my mind around the situation. Secondly I found out something very close to home, something again that I can't really talk about. It just wasn't a good day. I went to bed worried and I woke up worried. It sucks to worry and it also sucks to not know how something is going to turn out, but then today I was riding down the road which is often where I spend my time with God and I was just praying. My mom has said before that having a baby is spiritual and I don't know if having a baby made me appreciate the God that I serve or made me realize that I needed him more than ever or if it opened my heart to a whole other level of faith, but I feel God in a completely different way than I used to. I feel him and the peace that he gives. So today when I was driving and fretting over the issue at hand and praying I knew God was saying I didn't bring you here to abandon you, I didn't bless you to leave you behind, I will not forsake you and I will not leave you alone. I prayed these things at the exact spot that I didn't need God to leave me, he had put this on my heart months ago and he had provided that very need and I knew now he wasn't going to abandon my family there alone. He blessed us to be blessed not to be worried or afraid. Sometimes we have bad days but that's all that they are is bad days. God is the long run, He is the big picture and our provider, He is our God and I will worship him for everyday, even the bad ones because if I have something to worry about means that I have am blessed enough to have something in the first place. So tonight even though the devil wants to point an issue out to us, I go to sleep with peace because I know my God will take care of me and my family. I know that I won't have to worry because he will not leave us or forsake us. 

A little insight

This isn't a bash on formula feeding or some big advocating speech on breastfeeding, it is simply an insight of a breastfeeding mother. I am often baffled by peoples remarks of when will you stop? or are you still nursing? These questions don't make me angry but they don't necessarily make me beam with joy either. When I had WB I knew I wanted to nurse him but I didn't have a cut off date in mind or an exact age I would wean him and guess what I still don't. So why can questions be so bothersome, or even somewhat offensive? Let me give a little insight and then I will say why and how it can bother me. Day one of nursing: this tiny sweet most perfect baby is handed to you, you've just used every muscle in your body to delivery this baby and now you are wholly responsible for the nurturing of this child. I Prayed for this day, breastfeeding was something I wanted to be successful at so I prayed about it leading up to this day, I had faith in my body and baby and luckily day one went fairy smooth considering that we both were completely worn out. Day two of nursing: Its 11:00 PM and my milk comes in aka laying chest first in an ant mount. It burns and stings, and you thank your lucky star that you have a sister willing to go to Walmart that late at night to buy a breast pump, come home sanitize it only to come in to find you and baby soundly asleep. Day three of nursing: Now that my milk has come in the baby decides he only wants to latch on to one side, good news, my midwife gives him a little push and he latches. Bad news my midwife wasn't with me every time after that when I had to nurse on that side. Result is very, I mean very uneven breasts'. The first few weeks I cringe every time he latches and every time my milk lets down it takes my breath away, but I keep pushing through it, other women have surely felt this and I wont give up. two months into nursing: The baby's weight gain is excellent, he nurses all the time sometimes ever 30 minutes.. the tenderness has somewhat left but the painful letdown only seem to get worse, he would choke, pull off and fuss, my milk would soak me and him within seconds, if it was free to run wild it would spray across the room. Some times the baby would love to nurse other times he seemed to hate it, I got online and read and read and discovered I was dealing with oversupply and forceful letdown, there were many days I would cry as I would nurse him... alligator tears as it made me so sad to hear him get choked up. My eldest sister is the only one I ever confided in about the matter, I feared being a failure at breastfeeding, I feared negative comments or anyone suggesting I dare give up. For weeks I would get knots in my stomach every time I would be in a situation I might have to nurse in front of anybody, including family. I would pray please God let it be okay!I felt like such a bad mother, it was important to me and I felt like I wasn't doing a good job, I felt like I was letting my baby down. and during this time is surely wasnt this fee good bonding experience others had made out to me. FINALLY upon reading I came across block feeding and this is when our breastfeeding relationship took a turn for the best. It was hard to stick to, and after 1000 soaked shirts, engorged painful boobs and a few cry sessions (from both of us) we both were doing good at nursing and the baby was just at the age where I could tell how much he loved it. four months of nursing: This is when all the hard work started to be rewarding. At night I would cradle the baby and nurse him and every couple of minutes he would pull off give me a smile and then "talk" to his daddy as if he was telling him how good his ninny milk was. (side note, For people who think that breastfeeding excludes dads from bonding, night time feeds were and still are a big bonding time for us as a family, Michael often rubs the baby's head while he nurses or just puts his arm around us and talks, I think he enjoyed seeing how much the baby enjoyed nursing as much as I did, and that makes me happy) 8 months of nursing: We are still going strong and it amazes me to say that my body has provided him everything he needs. He still loves to be social while eating and I think this has been the age he has loved his ninny most. So why are those questions bothersome, are you still nursing? or how long will you nurse? Because I have put in my hard work, I have went through pain and hardship and overcome it, I have had to excuse myself from dinner or other activities to nurse the baby, I have held my pee and pulled over in gas stations to nurse, I have bent my back over backwards in attempt to nurse the baby to sleep in the carseat, I have walked around Walmart with a sopping wet shirt. I have woken up 8 times at nighttime to nurse. I am not looking for a gold star I am Looking for a don't put your opinion in on our nursing relationship, I am looking for this is my body, my baby and my decision. I promise I am not going to nurse until I am spending him off to kindergarten but I am just asking for a little respect on the matter. One day I will know WB wont need to be nursed but until then I know his sweet little smile will assure me that he does indeed need me and wants me to nurse him. I am his comfort and all that he knows and I am completely happy to be that for him right now.

My greatest accomplishments.

Life is about accomplishments and failures. Everyone measures life based off of these two things. Some people choose to focus on their failures and some choose to focus on the accomplishments. Others like to focus on  what everyone else thinks about their accomplishments and or failures. Today I was thinking about my failures and my accomplishments and I came to realize that I am to accomplished to care about my failures and I really could care less about what others think. Here is what I focus on as my accomplishments. 

I am a daughter and sister. I am a daughter of the most giving, gracious and selfless parents, my heart swells with happiness with each passing year I have with my parents. I am my mama's blue eyes and  her blonde hair, I am my father's darling. My siblings are special and dear. I am Susan's baby, I am Susan's soul sister. I am Gaylens kindred spirit and late night talks. I am Stephens proud sister, I am his are you busy I need you. I am Meghan's do you have a second to say a prayer, I am Meghan's friend.  I am Aryns laughter and cheer. I am a wife and an in law. I am a daughter in law to a mother in law who makes me feel like she loves me as if I am a daughter she never had. I am the grand daughter in law to a pawpaw he has always been "my pawpaw" too!  There is no question that I AM family. I AM a wife the hardest working man I know, I AM a wife to a grass will grow back, wipe away my tears kind of man. I AM a wife to a lets go buy you a dress just because kind of man, to a you look beautiful every morning, and I love you and appreciate you saying man. I AM blessed by the man I am married to. I AM  a Christian,  I serve the one and only God, I am a blessed beyond measure by God, I am his child! Lastly my most wonderful, most meaningful, accomplishment that only exist because of my prior accomplishments. I AM A MOTHER, I am a count his toes everyday, let the dishes stack up, hold my baby kind of mother. I am a stare at him, take in every smile and laugh, wipe away each tear kind of mother. I am enjoy each moment, love him deeply and wholly kind of mother. The never give up and ignore judgement kind of mother. The do whatever I can to make sure he has the best of everything kind of mother. The demand the best of everyday kind of mother. I am a mother and that is and will always be the greatest accomplishment of my life.  No failure will ever shadow my accomplishments, no persons idea of my accomplishments or failures will shadow my greatest accomplishments! I will let it be known that I love my family, my husband, his family and I will shout it out to the world that my son is indeed my world! 

God's child

II had a very unfortunate event happen yesterday, I was keeping my nephews, when I found the front door wide open and the 2 year old no where to be found, though it was only moments before realizing, it felt like eternity. My heart sank and I ran out frantically calling out to God in fear that he had reached the road, which he had. I safely brought him back home and called my dad to pick up keyed deadbolts from Home Depot! I packed the boys up and drove to my moms, it was still early so she was sleeping, I went and crawled in bed with her and began to cry, I felt like I had let my sister down, let my nephew down and let myself down as a mother. I wasn't being careless and it was just a scary incident that could have happened to anyone! But I felt guilty that I let it happen! I ran other all of the bad things that could have happened, but didn't, all the things I could have done to prevent it but didn't. I just felt awful. I cried to my mom and told her how hard it was and how tired it can make you feel to have the responsibility of children, as if she doesn't know.  She told me that there were so many times when we were children that she had to get her knees and pray for God to help her because she couldn't do it alone, that she couldnt watch us ever second of every day. She has so many story's just like mine that she to had to call out to God, and not only over her own children, as she told me of a neighbor one time bringing her choking child to her door and her calling out to God to help her and he did! After talking to my mom it got me thinking, whenever praying over WB or talking to God more so, I always say God I know how much I love him and I can't express my love or even fathom the amount that I love him, and God loves him  even more than I do, he is Gods child and just like I would never want anything bad to happen to him, God doesn't either! My thoughts also led me here, right now I get the wonderful blessing of being with WB most hours of most days, but as he gets older I will have to let him go, I will have to let him go to football games on Friday night, I will have to let him go home with friends on Sunday afternoon, I will have to let him go to special things with cousins or grandparents and I will have to know that God will never leave him, even though I will not get to be with him, God will. Thirdly my thoughts brought me here, today has been a sad day for me, and I am not a sad person ever, but hard pressing things in my life had me down today, but I had to tell myself that I am Gods child also and he loves me unconditional and I know that my mama still prays for me like I pray for WB and God isn't going to leave me alone. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy but I tell him right now he will not do that to my family! My joy comes in the morning, always! So I look at my beautiful husband and son and I know I am blessed and protected by a God that loves us and I know he will do the same for all of our family! 

My favorite story

Michael has been asking me for a week now when I was going to write again.... I guess if no one else has enjoyed my post he has. He is so supportive of the things I choose to be, tonight he gave me the best compliment ever, after kidding and telling my family about how yesterday he asked me what was at the back of his truck I replied with "tires!" And saying I wasn't much help he added in  " but you are a good mama!" I think it made mine, my mom's and my sister's heart melt. So when I don't have much to write about what could be better to write about than being a mama. This to me of course is the best story, it's my favorite story. For those of you that don't know me and Michael decided to use a midwife for the birth of WB instead of a Doctor. I LOVE my experience with my midwife. Unfortunately Alabamians are a little behind the other states, and very far behind the north when it comes to birth  and well home birth is illegal........ So we had a border baby, which means we had to cross into Mississippi to have WB. In a little cabin, the cabin is nothing fancy by any means but has a neat fact about it, WB's aunt Aryn and cousin Nolan were born in the same exact room:) the only thing that could have made it more perfect would have been to have the option to TRULY have a home birth, and I am so hopeful for the next birth. Me and Michael know we are weird in most of our circle of friends, Michael just the other day said I wish people didn't just think I was a conservative because I am southern, because I actually wished a little that we are were in the north because then we wouldn't be viewed so weird because of our choices in parenting..... So much truth, I am not in anyway trying to judge others, I just wish everyone had the options to birth and parent the way they choose in Alabama as other states! So I'm sure you don't care nearly as much about the politics of the matter as me. Me and Michael both have gone through times of not feeling supported at all about decisions we have made about WB, I probably have questioned them more than Michael, which makes me glad I have him.... It would be really hard for me if he was like do what you want instead of I think this is best and I read this or this is how I feel. Thank God for him and his assurance and brains and willingness to educate himself on OUR child!! So back to the day WB was born, I went 2 days over or 2 days early I'm not sure, all I know is it was WB "birthday". I woke up the Wednesday before with signs of labor but  no contractions, so what did I do?! Planned a very eventful day, next baby I will SLEEP, but how could I have? I was going to meet my baby anytime and I knew it! So I went to town and actually went to a meeting with a politician about supporting midwives. I got home around 6 ate dinner and washed clothes, and got in the bed around 10. I woke up around 2 and went to wake my mom up, who had stayed with us just incase. I had some contractions I let her count before waking Michael and we had a rhythm, and these pestering contractions hurt a little more than those ole Braxton hicks! I called my midwife let her know, she said to eat and call back if they continued, so I ate a sandwich and some fruit, sat on the couch and shared sometime with only me and my mama. Looking back on it we giggled and I could feel her excitement of how she was so happy for me. Around 3:30 I finally woke Michael and told him we would have to leave soon, I called my midwife and we decided to go ahead and leave for MS. Me and Michael arrived around 5:30am and I was 4cm and completely efaced. I was so happy to actually have some progress, I was so scared it wasnt really happening. I walked for about an hour, then I got in the big tub, oh the glorious tub! I am not quite sure how anyone has a baby without having a tub! I got in that tub and stayed there until I got ready to push. I made great progress I went from 4cm to 7cm and from 7cm to 9cm and around 12:00pm I was ready to push! WB was born at 12:52. It was hard, very hard, and maybe I'm crazy because I don't remember it being that bad but I think I've just forgotten the pain. It was everything I expected natural child birth to be. I felt so empowered and still look at him and look at my little 5ft frame and so you did it, you birthed that baby! It feels amazing. I remember at one of my appointments with my midwife I was talking to her about a Christian midwife vs . a non Christian one, and I remember thinking how special it was to have someone who would be the first person to hold/catch your baby be someone who had been praying for them, who knew their name and had a special bond to them. The first person to touch and hold WB actually was someone even more special than that. I remember Michael had asked before hand if he could help in the delivery if it was applicable, but it turned out I delivered WB with Michael behind me holding me as he supported my weight, but I got a surprise when my midwife said reach down and get your baby, so I did, and i was the first person to touch him and hold him, as I pulled him up to my chest. Oh how I had prayed for him, I had prayed for the mother I would be,for the father Michael would be. I had prayed for the love WB would feel, the hate in the world he would witness, I prayed for the leaders he would grow up under, I prayed for his fingers, his toes and everything inbetween. I prayed and prayed for him and dreamed of him and here he was being born into my arms, into my arms that were supported by his fathers arms. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the beauty of the moment and the representation of how he was born and brought into this world. The support we required of each other and how we each held each other. I wouldn't change a thing about the birth of my baby boy, I think others would say what they think they would do different, but to me it was perfect, it was simply and uneventful but yet so amazing and graceful, ha with the expection of a few screams. Me and Michael have since talked about our birth and both are happy with what we chose and we will choose a midwife again, however we both just want it to truly to be a home birth, we don't want to leave to bring home the baby, I already dream about WB being there with us and ready to become a big brother, in his surroundings, in his home! Moments after he was born...... Michael was able to hold me and our son:) 

I got married, not cancer.

Let me start by saying I am not at all trying to make a joke at the expense of cancer. Cancer is awful and devastating and that's exactly the meaning I want from my title. Marriage should be the complete opposite, exciting and rewarding! When I got engaged at the young age of 21 I was excited to share the news but often was shocked by people's response. I was working in a restaurant at the time and as soon as my ring was spotted people would start throwing things around like "you're going to hate each other in a year" "don't do it, it's a mistake" or my favorite "you're too young" like my life would be wasted by marrying the love of my life! People always thought if they had a nasty divorce then that was the result of every marriage. I'm not saying I live in a fairy tale marriage or that I think I'm wiser than a 30 year marriage. I am only saying that I expect the best out of my marriage! I love when Michael says things like "when I retire me and you are..." I am Michael's future and he is mine! I often felt like telling people about my proposal was dreaded news as if I was telling them I had cancer. Marriage to me is looked down upon, it lacks respect, we expect husbands to complain about their nagging wife and wives to complain about their lazy husband who won't get up and take the trash out! I am not claiming that Michael takes the trash out every time I ask or that I don't nag him, because that is far from the truth I am just saying maybe I should step back and look at the fact that he has willingly worked a 80 week because he wants me and our child to be taken care of and wants me to be able to do what my dream is, to be home with my child! I am forever grateful to him! The moment I step back and look at Michael like he is a disease or cancer is the moment we start to shut down, it will take over our marriage and it will spread like a cancer taking over our essential "organs"! Our commutation, love, trust and faithfulness! We constantly have to work on these things, not because they are a problem but because we don't want them to be a problem. We both have to continuously work on finding the good and not letting all the bad seem bigger than the good. I now hold us to a different standard because of WB, me and Michael are his core and part of his happiness will come from our happiness as his parents. For months now I have longed to be soft spoken and patient with Michael as well as setting the path for the kind of mother I long to be, I can't tell you how I pray and long for this and how disappointed I feel in myself when I get inpatient or loud, and I know my family would probably be like you're trying to work on what!?! But in all honesty it is on my heart most days, why is it so hard to change our ways!? but anyways call me a weirdo but I already find myself praying for the woman Braylon will marry and I know and hope I will set an example of and to the woman he will marry. This is a lot of pressure, motherhood is a lot of pressure:) it is a lot of work, and I hope I haven't lost you, I just hope to help you step back and appreciate the good before the bad eats away at you or your marriage. I hope to help you realize the example you are to your children or even to others, as this want to be soft spoken and patient comes from dear friends I grew up around. I realize some marriages result in divorce, sometimes for reasons that can't be helped and I'm not condemning anyone, and I hate when people say you don't understand, because that is a given, you most likely will never be married to my husband and I will never be married to yours, so it's pointless to say you don't understand because we all know we will never understand someone's pain or happiness, because we will never be them, one marriage will never be the same as another. All I'm trying to say is stay positive in other people's marriages even if yours sucked or sucks and if you have a good marriage stay positive for your fellow marrieds even if you haven't had to experience what they have, and I'm preaching to myself here, I know I haven't  been as supportive or loving as i could to others, one of those changes I'm  TRYING to work on! Lastly here are a few things that I think have made a huge difference in our marriage, we have never stay away from each under the circumstance of anger and we have never not slept in the same bed, and we never bring something from yesterday into today, for 545 days with the exception of few vacations apart, Michael has kissed me every morning;)  I don't think we have it figured out by any means but I know we both want to be married. I know that Michael wanted me to be his wife and I know that he loves me and our child more than anything! I refuse to let the bad ever overtake the good! I have too many blessings to be unhappy and Michael and his family is one of my  biggest blessings, after all Michael did help me make the most beautiful baby ever! Best wishes,  no matter the age of your marriage! 

Blessed by a book.

The word plenty means "more than enough". When I think of this word two things come to mind, one is a dream I had a few weeks ago and the other is something my dad use to say to us as children. When out and about  we would beg to go out to eat and my father would say there is plenty at the house to eat. As a child this was so disappointing and it seemed so boring to eat at home, but now as an adult I love to run by my mamas to see what she has cooking! So what significant meaning does this have, as children we only see what we want not what we have. As an adult I am learning to appreciate what I have, a family, a home and food to eat. If God never blesses me with another thing, I have more than enough, I have plenty. But that's not the kind of God I serve, which brings me to my second point, my dream. Several weeks ago I was awoken around 3am to a dream I had about our house being full of books, I was so proud showing them all off, in my dream the walls in our house were full of bookcases full of books, even though we looked like hoarders, I was glowing with excitement about all the books. When I woke up, I laid between my "plenty" my sweet baby boy and my husband. This dream spoke to me unlike any dream I had ever had. I began to pray and ask God what he was trying to tell me and never before had I heard God so clearly. I was praying over Michael because I associated the books with him and for a while now he had been job searching. I prayed for favor, for contentment, I prayed for Michael's happiness. Then God put the word plenty on my heart. More than enough. God put a promise on my heart. The next morning I shared it with Michael, I told him about my dream, and it may sound silly, but every time I'm out shopping Michael asks for a new book and I always say we haven't the money. I rationalized the dream to mean God wanted Michael to have plenty of books, because he is that kind of God, a God that cares about our heart's desires. That  day Michael received a phone call for an interview which resulted in a new Job that is less than 3 miles from our home! This job offers us better benefits and supports our family with plenty. As soon as I am able, I am purchasing a bookcase:)