Threads

Marrying Michael has brought many things to my life, a sense of being, a completion, and most importantly a family. If God chose to never give me another blessing I would be blessed beyond measure with what I have already been given. When I met Michael years ago, I met his grandfather, Mr. William "Billy" Croom, but he has never been that to me, from the start he has always been Pawpaw, every holiday, celebration and birthday this man has treated me as one of his own, long before he even knew I would become one of his own, he even signs my birthday cards with the loving tradition of "wdyl?" (who do you love?). When I was pregnant with WB I spent most of my days sick and with pawpaw, every morning he would knock on the door to check on me and even on some occasions, when I was very sick he would get me a cold rag, help me off the bathroom floor and get me to the couch. He cared for me even though I wasn't technically his grandchild. His love for his grandchildren, including me is unconditional and I know that no matter where me and michaels life may take us that pawpaw would help in anyway he could. A pawpaw is a gift, a gift that  without Michael I wouldn't understand, my grandmother was ill all of the 6 years of my life that she was in it, my grandmother to me is my mother's and older siblings memories of her, my grandmother is pictures and stories, she is a old wooden house in Flomation, Alabama. She is old bells in my mothers china cabinet, she is a old pin holder that looks like a tomatoe. I barely  have my own memories of her, but she was already gone by the time I could remember her. I love her deeply and how I wish I knew her. My grandfather on the other hand died before I ever was thought of, but he to me is a old yellow recliner, he is fried chicken. He is my brothers face and structure. He is so many special things that I never truly got to know. My dads father passed away before my own father even got to know him, however I was blessed with beautiful threading even though I didn't get to see the start of the spool. But with Michaels family I have gotten to spend years with the threading that was placed in my child and will be my future children. Michaels Great Grandma Croom passed away this morning, and how happy I am that I got to know this beautiful lady who has inspired me so much. she raised 12 amazing children, unlike any other family I have ever seen. At Christmas time when the family was together I saw one of pawpaws sisters kiss him on the cheek, I immediately knew in my heart that I wanted to raise children like this, I want WB to know that kind of long lasting unconditional love. I want to set them apart and teach them value and love in each other. I want them to all come together and be there for one another all the way into their 70s and beyond. Grandma Croom was sponky and sharp unlike any woman I have every met, a week before she made her way to heaven, she called me by name when I walked in her room, even though I haven't been in her family long and she held my hand and told me that I was doing a good job with WB, and that she loved me, and while I'm sure she told everyone she loved them that came to see her that week, it meant so much to me that she, a woman I thought had done such a good job was telling me I was. Being a mother is hard especially at the times you feel judged for the kind that you are, but from her it felt like such a compliment, so reassuring, I cried, I didn't want to lose her, I was going to miss taking WB by to see her and letting her see his new milestones, but I cried more because I knew how much her children loved her, and how I hope WB loves me that much. I cried because I love my mother and one day I will have to tell her see you later,  and I won't want to, even if she is 96. I cried because God has put this family in my life, and they have taught me so much. I will always treasure her and her opinion and I hope one day I am able to tell WB what a special woman she was and how excited over him she had been waiting for him to arrive and oh how she loved her 5th generation baby once he had arrived! WB spent a lot their firsts together and we will miss her a lot on his first birthday, but I am so thankful that they were able to meet. What a legacy she left behind  with so many beautifully made families, including my own, I am privileged to be apart of it. WB will one day be my legacy, when I stare at my child I can not put into words the adoration and love I feel for him, he is so beautifully threaded and perfect. He is loved by so many and such a joy. I hope that I raise him to appreciate who he has come from. I love you son, with every once of my being, you were beautifully and perfectly woven in my womb and don't ever, ever let someone make you feel less! 

365 Days

 What was in the 365 days of 2013?

365 days of Marriage. 

 Some of those 365 days were filled with aggravation, some of those days were fill with angry or sadness. But all 365 of those days were filled with love for my husband, joy in my marriage, those days were filled with understanding that every second of everyday wouldnt always be marital bliss but that every night I laid beside him aggravated or not and that my heart would swell with happiness and pride that he is my husband. It was 365 days of learning, learning to trust, forgive, communicate, learning marriage and learning my husband. 

346 days in our home. 

346 days of remembering to pay this bill and that bill, 346 days of cleaning and learning how to maintain a home, decorate a home, and keep a happy home

346 days of sleeping in our bed in OUR home and learning what a blessing it is to  know a home.

94 days pregnant. I spent 94 days rubbing my belly, growing a baby, 

Feeling him move, I spent 94 days of last year becoming humbled by the greatest blessing God had ever trusted me with. 

365 days as a sister, daughter and daughterinlaw. 

I spent days learning how I fit in as a daughterinlaw and trying to become a loving/ selfless daughterinlaw , I spent days trying to become the sister I would be proud to have and I became a daughter that realized my parents are precious and I haven't spent nearly enough time with them for the past few years. 

271 days as a family. 

For 271 days I have had a love for Michael that I didn't realize I would ever have, if someone tried to explain the love I have for him now that he is the father of my child, I wouldn't have been able to understand. Every morning he gives me a kiss and I have yet to understand why I deserve his selfless and unconditional love. When we wrap our arms around WB together and declare a "family hug" the joy in our hearts and on his face gives me the best understand of family that I will ever come close to grasping. Michael and I get the joy of raising him and building a family not only for us but for him. We get to fill future years with traditions and special days just like we have gotten the blessing of doing this year. 

271 days as a mother. 

This has been the most wonderful days of any year ever, they have been perfect. I have spent those days holding and nurturing our sweet son, I have spent those days putting him to sleep or getting to watch his father put him to sleep. I have gotten to enjoy him and every second of everyday since he has been here, he is a part of my heart, a part of my soul, he is a little piece of me and a little piece of Michael. He is so smart and perfect, and fun to love, he is our purpose. 

365 days in reality. 

I don't live in a fantasy world 

, nor would I want anyone to think that, me and Michael fight and argue, we have had our feelings really hurt this year and I'm sure we have hurt some feelings, we have gone through times of feeling alone. We have had to make decisions that we didn't know the best answer to. We have hard days and good days, but I know in my heart at the end of everyday no matter the day, that I have spent 365 days of 2013 blessed. I have spent each day choosing to see the hard working, loving, amazing husband that I have, that I have spent each day in awe of my sweet baby boy and consumed by his love, I have spent everyday trying to see the good in things and while some days it was hard to not let others steal my joy, I have made it, 365 days with  a reason to smile, a reason to praise God and a reason to look forward to the next 365 days:) 

Our First Christmas Together.

Before this day is long ago and nothing but a distant memory I want WB to know exactly how special this day was. I would like to tell him that early this morning before the sun ever rose he laid so perfectly between me and his daddy, that he was wearing red pajamas and it seemed to make his fluffy little cheeks look a little rosier than usual. That when I went to put him in the car that his eyes seemed a little bluer today than yesterday and they had a sparkle that made me fall even more in love with his sweet little soul. I would like him to know that he couldn't stand himself when his Da wouldn't put the dish down and just hold him, I would tell him that me and all his aunts and uncles gave his Da tickets to the US open and that his Da cried with appreciation and joy. That I love how much he loves his Da and how he doesn't even know the wisdom he is yet to teach him. I would tell him how his daddy is so hard working and had to work on Christmas Day, but that he text me all day long wanting To see pictures of exactly what you were doing. That he told us he loved us and missed us. And how We missed him too. I want you to know I cried several times throughout the day because it just didn't seem fair for daddy to have to miss it. I want to tell you that we went to see your Great Great Grandma Croom. That she isn't doing well but was so excited to see you. I want to tell you I saw your aunt Mary Jane sneak on kiss on your pawpaws cheek and it made me admire Grandma Croom and the siblings she had raised. It made me think to the future and the siblings I hope to give you. I want you to know that I cried on the way home because I wish so badly that me and you both could know Grandma Johnson, I cried because I love that me and your daddy were able to bring you into so many grands and greats, uncles and aunts, that you know so much love and bring such joy. I cried because I simply feel so blessed to be your mama. I want you to know that when your daddy came home even though I was dissappinted by how little of time our family got to spend together with just us, that my heart skipped a beat because I love when your daddy is home for the night and we can be complete. I want you to know that today you were loved on by your Gigi, pawpaw, gamma, da, grandma Croom, your cousins and aunts and uncles but especially by your mama and daddy. I want you to know that not just today but everyday you have been ours I can't describe the joy you bring to our lives. That I cry as I write this because my heart hurts from the amount of love I have for you and your daddy. I love you so much, you have blessed my world my beautiful babe. Merry First Christmas. 

He blesses us, for us to be blessed.

I write tonight with a heavy heart. A sad heart. A hurt heart. I write becuase I need an outlet from all the things I have running through my mind. I sometimes get mad at the vivid dreamer that I am because my dreams sometimes don't even allow me to rest from my worry. Yesterday was one of those days that was filled with things that you just wish you could avoid. The kind of days you just wish someone would ask you about your day so you could cry and tell them why you were upset. Yet yesterday was also one of those days that my thoughts didn't even makes sense. Something upset me, someone else's selfishness upset me, somethinng that doesn't even make a difference in my life, but yet made me furious that someone could be so simple minded. That out of all the things to be concerned with and this person is concerned with something so petty just because of want. It's hard to elaborate on the matter without saying point blank what upset me. So I will just leave it here because to be honest I still can't wrap my mind around the situation. Secondly I found out something very close to home, something again that I can't really talk about. It just wasn't a good day. I went to bed worried and I woke up worried. It sucks to worry and it also sucks to not know how something is going to turn out, but then today I was riding down the road which is often where I spend my time with God and I was just praying. My mom has said before that having a baby is spiritual and I don't know if having a baby made me appreciate the God that I serve or made me realize that I needed him more than ever or if it opened my heart to a whole other level of faith, but I feel God in a completely different way than I used to. I feel him and the peace that he gives. So today when I was driving and fretting over the issue at hand and praying I knew God was saying I didn't bring you here to abandon you, I didn't bless you to leave you behind, I will not forsake you and I will not leave you alone. I prayed these things at the exact spot that I didn't need God to leave me, he had put this on my heart months ago and he had provided that very need and I knew now he wasn't going to abandon my family there alone. He blessed us to be blessed not to be worried or afraid. Sometimes we have bad days but that's all that they are is bad days. God is the long run, He is the big picture and our provider, He is our God and I will worship him for everyday, even the bad ones because if I have something to worry about means that I have am blessed enough to have something in the first place. So tonight even though the devil wants to point an issue out to us, I go to sleep with peace because I know my God will take care of me and my family. I know that I won't have to worry because he will not leave us or forsake us. 

A little insight

This isn't a bash on formula feeding or some big advocating speech on breastfeeding, it is simply an insight of a breastfeeding mother. I am often baffled by peoples remarks of when will you stop? or are you still nursing? These questions don't make me angry but they don't necessarily make me beam with joy either. When I had WB I knew I wanted to nurse him but I didn't have a cut off date in mind or an exact age I would wean him and guess what I still don't. So why can questions be so bothersome, or even somewhat offensive? Let me give a little insight and then I will say why and how it can bother me. Day one of nursing: this tiny sweet most perfect baby is handed to you, you've just used every muscle in your body to delivery this baby and now you are wholly responsible for the nurturing of this child. I Prayed for this day, breastfeeding was something I wanted to be successful at so I prayed about it leading up to this day, I had faith in my body and baby and luckily day one went fairy smooth considering that we both were completely worn out. Day two of nursing: Its 11:00 PM and my milk comes in aka laying chest first in an ant mount. It burns and stings, and you thank your lucky star that you have a sister willing to go to Walmart that late at night to buy a breast pump, come home sanitize it only to come in to find you and baby soundly asleep. Day three of nursing: Now that my milk has come in the baby decides he only wants to latch on to one side, good news, my midwife gives him a little push and he latches. Bad news my midwife wasn't with me every time after that when I had to nurse on that side. Result is very, I mean very uneven breasts'. The first few weeks I cringe every time he latches and every time my milk lets down it takes my breath away, but I keep pushing through it, other women have surely felt this and I wont give up. two months into nursing: The baby's weight gain is excellent, he nurses all the time sometimes ever 30 minutes.. the tenderness has somewhat left but the painful letdown only seem to get worse, he would choke, pull off and fuss, my milk would soak me and him within seconds, if it was free to run wild it would spray across the room. Some times the baby would love to nurse other times he seemed to hate it, I got online and read and read and discovered I was dealing with oversupply and forceful letdown, there were many days I would cry as I would nurse him... alligator tears as it made me so sad to hear him get choked up. My eldest sister is the only one I ever confided in about the matter, I feared being a failure at breastfeeding, I feared negative comments or anyone suggesting I dare give up. For weeks I would get knots in my stomach every time I would be in a situation I might have to nurse in front of anybody, including family. I would pray please God let it be okay!I felt like such a bad mother, it was important to me and I felt like I wasn't doing a good job, I felt like I was letting my baby down. and during this time is surely wasnt this fee good bonding experience others had made out to me. FINALLY upon reading I came across block feeding and this is when our breastfeeding relationship took a turn for the best. It was hard to stick to, and after 1000 soaked shirts, engorged painful boobs and a few cry sessions (from both of us) we both were doing good at nursing and the baby was just at the age where I could tell how much he loved it. four months of nursing: This is when all the hard work started to be rewarding. At night I would cradle the baby and nurse him and every couple of minutes he would pull off give me a smile and then "talk" to his daddy as if he was telling him how good his ninny milk was. (side note, For people who think that breastfeeding excludes dads from bonding, night time feeds were and still are a big bonding time for us as a family, Michael often rubs the baby's head while he nurses or just puts his arm around us and talks, I think he enjoyed seeing how much the baby enjoyed nursing as much as I did, and that makes me happy) 8 months of nursing: We are still going strong and it amazes me to say that my body has provided him everything he needs. He still loves to be social while eating and I think this has been the age he has loved his ninny most. So why are those questions bothersome, are you still nursing? or how long will you nurse? Because I have put in my hard work, I have went through pain and hardship and overcome it, I have had to excuse myself from dinner or other activities to nurse the baby, I have held my pee and pulled over in gas stations to nurse, I have bent my back over backwards in attempt to nurse the baby to sleep in the carseat, I have walked around Walmart with a sopping wet shirt. I have woken up 8 times at nighttime to nurse. I am not looking for a gold star I am Looking for a don't put your opinion in on our nursing relationship, I am looking for this is my body, my baby and my decision. I promise I am not going to nurse until I am spending him off to kindergarten but I am just asking for a little respect on the matter. One day I will know WB wont need to be nursed but until then I know his sweet little smile will assure me that he does indeed need me and wants me to nurse him. I am his comfort and all that he knows and I am completely happy to be that for him right now.

My greatest accomplishments.

Life is about accomplishments and failures. Everyone measures life based off of these two things. Some people choose to focus on their failures and some choose to focus on the accomplishments. Others like to focus on  what everyone else thinks about their accomplishments and or failures. Today I was thinking about my failures and my accomplishments and I came to realize that I am to accomplished to care about my failures and I really could care less about what others think. Here is what I focus on as my accomplishments. 

I am a daughter and sister. I am a daughter of the most giving, gracious and selfless parents, my heart swells with happiness with each passing year I have with my parents. I am my mama's blue eyes and  her blonde hair, I am my father's darling. My siblings are special and dear. I am Susan's baby, I am Susan's soul sister. I am Gaylens kindred spirit and late night talks. I am Stephens proud sister, I am his are you busy I need you. I am Meghan's do you have a second to say a prayer, I am Meghan's friend.  I am Aryns laughter and cheer. I am a wife and an in law. I am a daughter in law to a mother in law who makes me feel like she loves me as if I am a daughter she never had. I am the grand daughter in law to a pawpaw he has always been "my pawpaw" too!  There is no question that I AM family. I AM a wife the hardest working man I know, I AM a wife to a grass will grow back, wipe away my tears kind of man. I AM a wife to a lets go buy you a dress just because kind of man, to a you look beautiful every morning, and I love you and appreciate you saying man. I AM blessed by the man I am married to. I AM  a Christian,  I serve the one and only God, I am a blessed beyond measure by God, I am his child! Lastly my most wonderful, most meaningful, accomplishment that only exist because of my prior accomplishments. I AM A MOTHER, I am a count his toes everyday, let the dishes stack up, hold my baby kind of mother. I am a stare at him, take in every smile and laugh, wipe away each tear kind of mother. I am enjoy each moment, love him deeply and wholly kind of mother. The never give up and ignore judgement kind of mother. The do whatever I can to make sure he has the best of everything kind of mother. The demand the best of everyday kind of mother. I am a mother and that is and will always be the greatest accomplishment of my life.  No failure will ever shadow my accomplishments, no persons idea of my accomplishments or failures will shadow my greatest accomplishments! I will let it be known that I love my family, my husband, his family and I will shout it out to the world that my son is indeed my world! 

God's child

II had a very unfortunate event happen yesterday, I was keeping my nephews, when I found the front door wide open and the 2 year old no where to be found, though it was only moments before realizing, it felt like eternity. My heart sank and I ran out frantically calling out to God in fear that he had reached the road, which he had. I safely brought him back home and called my dad to pick up keyed deadbolts from Home Depot! I packed the boys up and drove to my moms, it was still early so she was sleeping, I went and crawled in bed with her and began to cry, I felt like I had let my sister down, let my nephew down and let myself down as a mother. I wasn't being careless and it was just a scary incident that could have happened to anyone! But I felt guilty that I let it happen! I ran other all of the bad things that could have happened, but didn't, all the things I could have done to prevent it but didn't. I just felt awful. I cried to my mom and told her how hard it was and how tired it can make you feel to have the responsibility of children, as if she doesn't know.  She told me that there were so many times when we were children that she had to get her knees and pray for God to help her because she couldn't do it alone, that she couldnt watch us ever second of every day. She has so many story's just like mine that she to had to call out to God, and not only over her own children, as she told me of a neighbor one time bringing her choking child to her door and her calling out to God to help her and he did! After talking to my mom it got me thinking, whenever praying over WB or talking to God more so, I always say God I know how much I love him and I can't express my love or even fathom the amount that I love him, and God loves him  even more than I do, he is Gods child and just like I would never want anything bad to happen to him, God doesn't either! My thoughts also led me here, right now I get the wonderful blessing of being with WB most hours of most days, but as he gets older I will have to let him go, I will have to let him go to football games on Friday night, I will have to let him go home with friends on Sunday afternoon, I will have to let him go to special things with cousins or grandparents and I will have to know that God will never leave him, even though I will not get to be with him, God will. Thirdly my thoughts brought me here, today has been a sad day for me, and I am not a sad person ever, but hard pressing things in my life had me down today, but I had to tell myself that I am Gods child also and he loves me unconditional and I know that my mama still prays for me like I pray for WB and God isn't going to leave me alone. The devil comes to kill, steal and destroy but I tell him right now he will not do that to my family! My joy comes in the morning, always! So I look at my beautiful husband and son and I know I am blessed and protected by a God that loves us and I know he will do the same for all of our family!